Re-Writing the Script

20 comments

My son has been having a hard time lately.  Lying. Stealing. Making poor choices. Just plain being mean.

As I’ve talked about before, we are no strangers to this dance.  He is a sweet and respectful kid 90% of the time, but when the other side strikes, you better watch out.  The poor behavior seems to come in cycles – we can go weeks, now months even, with nothing more than some bickering with his sisters or a bit of whining over homework. And then, wham.  Without notice, there will be a string of out-of-character, but not really out-of-character, acting out.  It used to take the form of temper tantrums that would make my head spin, but this latest episode was decidedly more calculated (dare I say “mature”?).  There is nothing that make my blood boil quicker than dishonesty.  He knows this.  He used this.

I strive to model my discipline on logical consequences.  He loses my trust: he loses out on activities that require trust until it is earned once again (ie. unsupervised playdates).  He has hurt my feelings or those of his sisters, he must make it right (my house got nice and clean this weekend via our theory of ‘restitution’). You get the picture.  But as I was sitting home with him on Friday night while his sisters were at My Gym and my wife was at dinner with our friends (where I was supposed to be, but based on his behavior could no longer trust him to be kind to the other children), I couldn’t shake the feeling that this episode needed a little something more.  After stewing thinking for a bit, I came up with my plan.

A lifetime ago I was a camp counselor and one summer I had a really difficult kid.  He was a bully and was constantly getting into fights with the other children.  I sat down with him once and asked why he continued to make these poor choices.  I expected some excuse about the other kids annoying him or even just a detached “I don’t know” but I didn’t get either of those things.  His answer will stick with me forever,

“It’s who I am.”

I thought of that child and his heartbreaking answer as I thought of how to help my son.  Because this cycle of misbehavior is so familiar to us, I couldn’t help but fear that my sweet boy was starting to think of it as part of who he is.  We needed to work on re-writing the script.

We started by tearing up the old one – literally.  I wrote the behaviors we wanted to say good-bye to on paper and let the kids tear them to shreds.  These behaviors were not representative of who we are, and we were visualizing a fresh start.

20140122-200637.jpg

Next, we traced their bodies on craft paper, and I asked them to decorate themselves with words that describe who they are on the inside.  Forget mistakes or struggles – who are you in your heart? [And for comedic relief, he added, “It was a good idea to get brown paper Mommy. That saves me a lot of coloring.”]

20140122-200655.jpg

My son (7.5) was totally into it.  The girls (3 and 4) humored me for half a second but got much more out of talking about the process and why we were doing it, rather than putting marker to paper.

20140122-200710.jpg

The finished product was even better than I expected.  “I am…loving, sweet, kind, thoughtful, cuddly, respectful, silly, funny, happy, strong, brave, fast, honest, hard-working, helpful, a bucket filler…”

Yes. Yes, my love – you are.

20140122-200726.jpg

We have the project proudly, and prominently, displayed for a reminder whenever one is needed.  Though we all make mistakes in life that we are not proud of, whether that includes lying, stealing, using rough hands, yelling or overeating (::raises hand::) – those are choices, not definitions of who we are. My son, this is who you are.

While we were working on this project, the Frozen soundtrack was playing in the background (because, of course) and my son shot straight up when he heard the line in ‘Fixer Upper’: “People make bad choices if they’re mad or scared or stressed…”

“Hey! That’s like me!”  Bingo.

Thank you, Disney, for adding the perfect musical accompaniment to our weekend of remembering who we really are.

We aren’t saying you can change him
‘Cause people don’t really change
We’re only saying that love’s a force that’s powerful and strange
People make bad choices if they’re mad or scared or stressed
But throw a little love their way, and you’ll bring out their best
True love brings out the best

20 comments on “Re-Writing the Script”

  1. Your family story should be turned into a movie. So inspiring and so REAL. You make your frustration and fury clear, no sugarcoating, but the solutions that come from that are magical. When inspiration like this (above) strikes, you have to know the parenting gods are guiding you.

    Who is really a “bad” kid? No one. You figured out how to teach that to R.

    Best post ever!

  2. You are such a gifted writer and story teller. I could just picture this afternoon with your kids. What a beautiful exercise. He is one lucky boy!

  3. I am so glad I read this. It’s exactly what in needed. My wife and I have two children, the youngest child (4) is proving to be much more “challenging” than his older brother. Ok, really he just makes me nuts and angry. I’m so frustrated with him but you reminded me that he’s making choices of a 4 year old and my job is to show him how to make more effective choices. I don’t think he’s old enough to understand the concepts you write about but I am.

  4. I will send good Karma and Prayers that this works. I had one kid who lied. Since I believe that 7 is the age of reason, I would not think this was an accident. It was calculated. After many frustrating attempts to “explain” my displeasure I found a simple route that corrected the problem… and quickly. I one day told this child that she could go to her girlfriends for the afternoon to play. When it came time for her to go I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I lied.” This made quite the impression on her! She cut the lying very quickly when she saw the consequences of her actions. Guess I’m old school, but I always figured what’s good for the goose teaches the gander. I wish you luck, but I needed some tough love to nip the lying thing in the bud. Good luck Elise. I hope the gentler way works.

  5. I.LOVE.THIS. Your kids are really lucky to have you. You’re a really great mom with an amazing amount of love and compassion. The exercise was so beautiful (and I love the quote about the brown paper!).

    I wish I could see the image better so that I could read it in his own writing! My eyes are failing me…

  6. Elise- Your children are so lucky to have you as their mother. I love how you approach things….you really should write a book! I would be the first person in line to buy one. You are such an inspiration to me.

  7. Oh my gosh. This is incredible. I am amazed that you came up with that idea – how perfect! I loved the visualization of ripping up the attributes that you don’t want. This is perfection.

  8. I think you are an amazing, amazing mom. This is wonderful. There are times I’ve been frustrated with some patterns with my precious eldest. My mother has brought me to a place where I can think about the toolbox without getting my emotions in the way. What I’ve learned about my son is that some kids have natural empathy and some need to learn it. My son doesn’t understand that his actions impact people the way they do. It’s not truly his fault but with some practice, we can work on things together. Kids are all so different and when we think about how we feel when we’re frustrated, it makes it easier to see where they are coming from. This is fabulous. Thank you for the post.

  9. Elise, this is, once again, perfection. You are the queen of taking life’s lemons and making lemonade. I’ve been wondering how to address not just negative behavior lately with my Z but also negative self-talk and a strange lack of self-esteem lately. This could be a great way to tear all that up and replace it with who she really is. Love it.

  10. Tears. Love how you handled this. I can’t even imagine being able to come up with something this amazing to respond, but I appreciate having this idea in my toolbox for when I need it. Thanks.

  11. Oh Elise, this made my heart swell. R is such an amazing kid, and you are just the mommy to bring out the best in him. His descriptive words made me tear up. ❤

Share Some Comment Love

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s