I Didn’t Sign Up For This!


Children are full of surprises.  You think you can anticipate what might occur, the kinds of phone calls you’ll get from them or about them, the kinds of questions they will ask…but you have no idea what surprises are in store.

Here are some of the conversations that have occurred during my years as a mother, in no particular order:

  1. Phone call:  “Mom…[static]…emergency room…[static]…thumb…[static]…knife…[static]….”
  2. Phone message:  “Mom, I’m at the police station.  I got arrested for shoplifting.  Uh, I guess you’re not home right now, but call me at the police station when you get home, OK?”
  3. Conversation:  “Where are the brand new roller blades you took to camp this morning?”  “I traded them!”  “For what?” “This used Yankees cap.”  “AAAARRGH!  What’s the name of the kid who has your skates?”  “Um, I think it’s Joey.  Or it could be Josh.”
  4. Conversation:  “I’m worried about my penis size.  What is normal?”
  5. Phone message from husband: “I’m at the emergency room with A.  He found an ancient bottle of soda in the garage and drank it.”
  6. Conversation with principal of private elementary school your children had attended over the previous 10 years:  “We’re not inviting your son back for 6th grade because he has learning disabilities.”
  7. Conversation with college freshman son:  “Uh, I just found out I missed registration for next semester.  I went to my advisor and she said there’s probably not much left to choose from.”
  8. Comment in son’s yearbook:  “Hey, dude, always remember the good times smoking the ganja in your garage when we were supposed to be cleaning up the yard!”
  9. Conversation:  “Somehow I smashed into [my brother’s] car!  I don’t know how it happened, because I looked in the rear view mirror first and didn’t see his car and I never put my foot on the gas when I put my car in reverse.”   (Estimate for fixing this non-event was $3500.)
  10. Conversation:  “What does ‘whacks off’ mean?  Oh, I know – “wax on, wax off” from ‘The Karate Kid’!!”
  11. Phone conversation:  “I’m failing all my college courses!  I don’t know how to do this! I don’t belong in college!  Dad was right — I’m not college material!
  12. Conversation:  “Mom, I accidentally dropped my retainer and stepped on it.”
  13. Phone conversation:  “Ma’am, this is the Woodbridge police.  Your son wants to speak to you.”  “Mom, I TOLD him I had to be the one to tell you or you would have a heart attack.  I smashed my car into a tree and I have to go to the hospital now with [2 friends who were in the car with him].  Mom, I’m really sorry.”
  14. Conversation:  “Mom, if someone wears a condom during sex, can they still get a sexually transmitted disease?”
  15. Phone conversation (from son to me, while I am at work):  “Will anything bad happen if a dog stays in the refrigerator for a half hour?”

Get ready, moms!


17 comments on “I Didn’t Sign Up For This!”

  1. Now cleaning off my computer screen…warning: don’t read this while drinking coffee. Hilarious! I have two daughters (ages 9 & 7) and am both terrified and up for the challenge (I think) of what’s to come. Posts like this are helping…just got to remember to keep smiling and perspective. Many moms have been there before me. Thank you Randi!

  2. OMG! These are funny. That last one had me laughing. You can definitely wear your “I survived motherhood” badge. We do get one of those, right?

  3. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. So funny to read now, but I know based on the stress I gave my mom that this is heading my way.

  4. Oh dear… we’re in trouble. I have more explicit statements that are coming to mind, but they likely aren’t appropriate for the comments section (though I am sure they will be used throughout my future).

    1. Let me just add that my kids were not even really wild, just mischievous at times. However, I have to reveal that 11 out of the 15 events were done solely by one son, who was a little more adventuresome, shall we say, than the others. He’s settled down a lot now.

    1. Based on your tales of your kids’ verbal cleverness, I have no doubt you will be taking many deep breaths and deep gulps of wine in the years to come. But it’s FUN! Especially after you live through it.

  5. haha oh man I love this post!!! Brings me back to my childhood and know my mom can relate. I also know I am screwed in the future! Lol

    1. Don’t worry, she was okay. Needless to say, it was made clear that that was verboten in the future. But this gives you an idea of the things you can’t anticipate! Who would ever think to say, “Never put the dog in the refrigerator,” when you are telling them all the rules about not answering the door, not telling people on the phone that Mom’s not home right now, not using the stove, etc.?

    1. Thanks! The silver lining in all of this is that they felt that could come to me with ANYTHING, and that was/is a great feeling.

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