Life is hard, ya’ll. It is struggle and pain. Slips, falls, and disappointments grabbing at your ankles just as you thought you had risen above. I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark place and visit still from time to time.
I have battle scars to remind me of where I have been. But now? In this place and time? My life is solidly good – great, even. The smiles come pretty darn easy and I wish to have more of these hours to sink into – rather than run away from. I am acutely aware of the blessings that surround me every day, and though I do sometimes take them for granted, it is never for long. My Instagram might be filled with pictures of smiling faces, but I never forget that shit goes down.
There are people in my life who continue to be in a place that is dominated by hardship and frustration. Wishes left un-granted and happiness that is sorely missed. I think of them when I reflect on all that I have to be grateful for and sometimes it catches itself in the lump in my throat…survivor’s guilt.
In a few short minutes I will click off the lights and peek in on my beautiful sleeping children. MY children. The ones I get to keep forever and ever (the ones someone else lost…). Then, I will crawl into bed next to the love of my life and we will sleep and wake and thrive in this house that we have made a home. A good, solid life. My happy ending realized.
But why? Why us? Why me?
Right time, right circumstances, right wish upon a star…
It so easily could have been us with the broken hearts and broken home. It so easily could have been me with the dreams unfulfilled. But not this time. It was someone else this time and I can’t help but think of their pain when I look into the faces of my joy.
3 thoughts on “Survivor's Guilt”
This is so lovely. You have a beautiful family!
What I love is that you get it enough to keep your compassion. So many resort to anger and righteousness/judgment. It’s easier I guess. I hope your guilt eases in time, tempered simply by the compassion and gratitude you already have.