So there we were at the park. Having a great time, laughing, drinking, and what the hell? Have a snack, CP. It was a beautiful day. What could go wrong?

Well, surprise, surprise. The wonderful porta-potty that is usually parked in the quiet corner of the playground is gone. I should’ve known better. I should’ve insisted that we try to use the potty at school before we left. What was I thinking? Total bush-league momming going on over here.

And then she looks at me. If you have a kid, I’m sure you’ve been given the same look.

Her: I have to use the potty.
Oh man. Where’s the porta potty?
Me: Can you hold it?
Her: I think so. But I have to use the potty.
Huh. That’s not a good enough answer for me. Looking around. Plenty of cover at the back of the field. No one in sight.
Me: We can go in the woods.
Her: Where’s the porta potty?
Me: I guess it’s not here. We can go in the woods.
Lots of discussion about the potty, the fact that it’s gone, the woods are a viable option, and ‘nevermind, I don’t have to go anymore.’ Yes you do.

So we head for the woods. I can tell she’s unsure, nervous.

She gets into position and decides she doesn’t need to go.

We have a discussion about it. Again. We talk about the fact that skunks poop in the woods, chipmunks do too. Bears, birds, wolves, and yes! Good one! Porcupines. Sure, squirrels poop too. And deer. Moose. OK, let’s go. Yes. Beavers, skunks. You already said skunks. OK, let’s do this. Don’t worry about pooping on a bug. Let’s just make it happen, Cap’n.

And, SUCCESS! Good girl! We cover the business with a leaf. She is very proud … and afraid that someone will find it. No one will find it – it’s in the woods I tell her. What happens if they pick up the leaf?, she wants to know. No one will pick up the leaf I tell her.

Her: What if someone walks into the woods and says ‘What’s under this leaf?’ and then they pick it up and then they say ‘IT’S POOP!’ and then they eat it? *Hysterics ensue*

I’m sorry for my daughter.

We’re not that gross at home.