I Don’t Care If the World Knows What My Secrets Are

15 comments

As I was reflecting on the 3-year anniversary of this website, I was thinking about how far I’ve come as a writer. I’ve peeked back at my first blog posts and, in truth, cringed a little. I think it can be hard to find your own voice and your own writing style – especially when you’re surrounded by such great writers. But over the past 3 years I’ve moved closer towards becoming the kind of writer that I want to be and as we move forward my hope is to be more authentic and to talk more about my life and the challenges I’ve faced on a deeper level.

A few months ago I read something by Glennon Melton and this quote really struck me (and is now hanging up next to my desk at home):

reflections-wide

Sometimes it’s easier to write about things that are more surface level. OK, those kinds of topics are always easier to write about. But there’s this part of me that whispers, Michelle, be more true to yourself, don’t let your fears about how others might perceive you stop you from telling your truths.

Because for me, that’s what holds me back. The fear. The fear of what you might think about me if I tell the full truth about my life. The fear that once you put your shit on the internet you can’t really take it back. But I don’t want to let my fear of being exposed hold me back from being a truly authentic person.

So I’m working on adopting an updated attitude. One that doesn’t care if the world knows what my secrets are. Because in the words of one of my favorite artists Mary Lambert, “they tell us from the time we’re young to hide those things we don’t like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else, but I’m over it.” (Seriously, watch her video below, I just adore it!)

To start here are some of my deepest truths. I promise you, dear readers, to talk more about these things because maybe, just maybe, you can see your own truths in mine and feel less alone in yours.

I’ve had a life long struggle with food. I overeat when I’m stressed/anxious/whatever. I stopped eating sugar 6 months ago and realized that when sugar isn’t in the picture I have better control over the binges/urges to over eat. But I still struggle with this (and with sugar from time-to-time).

I’m insecure sometimes. I often worry about what other people think about me. Sometimes I wonder if I hold back who I truly am for fear of others thinking negatively about me.

I don’t like conflict. I deal with it the best I can but know I can do better in this area.

I’m an overly anxious person. I’ve struggled with this for a very long time and I’ve learned that my anxiety stems from the way I think about things. When I’m practicing meditation regularly and keeping my core values of compassion and kindness top of mind, I feel much more peaceful. But when I’m not doing those things the anxiety creeps in and it impacts my ability to sleep well and, in truth, impacts how I view and treat those around me.

There’s a bit of my “dirty gold” as Glennon would say. Have any of your own to share?

15 comments on “I Don’t Care If the World Knows What My Secrets Are”

  1. Thanks for sharing your “secrets”. I believe that sharing some of the things that we struggle with lessens the burden — and is certainly more likely to help someone who is struggling with unburdening themselves. “You are not alone” has been an adage that has brought me a lot of comfort since first hearing it all those years ago. Xoxo

  2. First time that I’ve ever turned the radio on, only to hear a song about ME!….I love it! Grooved me right down to my soul.

  3. I LOVED that video that first time I saw it ~ watched it twice in a row! And I love YOU and your authenticity! I’ve always thought you were one of the most forthcoming writers.

  4. Reading this makes me want to be more authentic and open in my own writing. Thank you. For me, I’m definitely still working on it….

  5. I love this! May you have all the support and encouragement in your authenticity leap that you need! I LOVE the song, lyrics and video, and the quote. I can totally echo your insecurities list and when forced to face conflict, truthfully I suck at it!

  6. Always love your honesty. So in solidarity, let’s see…

    1) I am an extremely anxious person as well. I had my first major panic attack at 5, which landed me in the hospital. I have learned over the last 35 years to handle my anxiety not just with medication, but with stillness and acceptance of myself. I think a lot of my anxiety is rooted in fear of being a failure or being abandoned.

    2) My health is really compromised and I’m not sure why (anxiety, maybe? 😉 I am 35 years old but living in the body of of 75 year old, and I’m not exaggerating. When I am on the go, people see me as young and doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do, unaware that everyday is a fight. A conscious decision to BE.

    3) I hate religion. I love God. I was raised in a very religious home and to this day my parents expect me to be teaching my daughter the same things and passing down the same values. I struggle with the routine, must-do’s, can’t-do’s and expected “assimilation” of my faith. I honestly don’t want to pass those things along and feel guilty about this all the time.

    4) I’m “bad” with money. When I get some, I always find “irresponsible” ways to spend it- day trips to New York, really expensive designer kids stuff, a luxurious meal with wine… Therefore, I have no savings. and may never…

    1. Orlene so lovely to see you here! Thank you for your solidarity confessions, I relate to many of them. Like you, I really struggle with anxiety. I think it stems a lot from worrying about what other people think and not wanting to be a failure (recovering perfectionist).

      Thank you for sharing, I really loved getting to see this glimpse into you.

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