I haven’t left the house in a week as I’ve been super-sick with some shitty cold. Not only have I been sick, I’ve had to deal with migraines on top of the sickness. The hardest part of all this, is that this past weekend I had three whole days of aerial fun planned ~ Friday night was the open stage at my studio, where two of my classmates performed, Saturday was a 2 hour choreography workshop, and Sunday my classmates and I had a Russian Breakfast planned (two of my classmates are part of Russian families). This was to be my “Aerial Weekend” and I’d been looking forward to it so, so, so much ~ for inspiration, for giving me new ideas and for strengthening the Sisterhood between me and my classmates. To me it represented New Life to my aerial silks practice (which I was so excited about in my last post on my aerial blog). It represented a New Beginning.
And instead, I’ve been in bed for days and days. I missed all of it. Instead of immersing myself in a New Beginning, I’m quite literally being forced to face old creations. And perhaps my biggest creation in this lifetime (and lifetimes past) is sickness and illness. Since I’ve had nothing to do these past few days but be sick, I figured it’s time I actually started LISTENING to the sickness and see what it had to say. And BOY, does it have A LOT to say!
To sum up, I created illness in my life to help me deal with the negative emotions that I didn’t know how to handle. I’ve used sickness to:
* avoid situations I didn’t want to participate in (like school when I was younger).
* keep me small, and safe, and limited.
* give myself a break when I didn’t know how to give myself one without guilt.
* keep people from expecting too much from me.
* escape from life when I get overwhelmed.
Basically, sickness has been the voice for my emotions. I created it because I didn’t know how to give myself permission to have those emotions. And while listening to the voice of sickness, it’s biggest gripe with me is that I created it and then hated it: “Ah! I’m sick! Go away, this sucks!”
So, now I’m inviting in the sickness, listening to it, and also welcoming all the uncomfortable emotions that are coming oozing out of it. And man, are there plenty! Today I’m feeling the sadness of missing my “Aerial Weekend” and the emotions of feeling left out. I’m not trying to find the positive in it, or looking on the bright side, I’m just feeling the true authentic sadness. I’m giving voice to my sadness, so the sickness doesn’t have to speak for it.
Today I’m sad. And I’m okay with that.
It’s a habit of mine (and all of us, I’m sure) to wish people to “feel better” when they’re feeling sad or sick or something else uncomfortable ~ but maybe we shouldn’t be wishing them to feel any differently than they are. Because those feelings are serving them somehow. Maybe from now on, I’ll say “I wish you peace with your feelings” ~ because that’s really the TRUTH of it. We came here as humans to feel the whole spectrum of emotions, not just the “good” ones. And if we don’t let the uncomfortable ones speak for themselves, they’ll find some other more dramatic voice that can’t be ignored.
So, today I’m thanking my sickness for serving me so well through my life. It’s my creation. I made it. Maybe understanding it a little better will set us both free somehow. Maybe this weekend was a New Beginning after all.
Happy Magical Monday. ♥