I Want to Be a Toddler

Like a lot of toddlers, my daughter has a bedtime routine that we stick to every night.  Simply, it’s the three B’s: bottle, bath, books (YES, still a bottle.  Spare the lecture.).  Then three more B’s: binkie, blankie, bed.  As we go through this process, every night at some point I find myself saying, “I wish someone would give ME a bath,” or, “I wish someone would put my pajamas on ME,” as my chunky monkey wails or whines or complains.  There are so many times when I can’t help but think that my daughter has it soooo good.  In fact, sometimes I feel like she is living the life that I was meant to live.  Think about how awesome it is to be a toddler:

You get dressed by someone who has a personal investment in how you look.  It’s basically the same thing as having a personal stylist.  Actually, toddlers also basically have a personal chef and a driver.  How great would it be to have someone randomly present you with a grilled cheese sandwich or take you on a surprise trip to Trader Joe’s?

A lot of things that are considered socially unacceptable for adults are not only acceptable, but expected (cute, even) from toddlers.  This includes getting food on your face and clothes, mispronouncing words, tripping, dropping stuff, farting, shouting “NO!” when you don’t want to do things, pointing at strangers.

An adorable milk beard/mustache.  Can you imagine if I walked around looking like that?
An adorable milk beard/mustache. Can you imagine if I walked around looking like that?

You have a mind like a sponge – you can do things like learn a second language without even trying or knowing – and yet you get praised for doing the simplest things.  “You pooped!  Nice job!”  “Spit it into my hand – thank you!”  *toddler places book on shelf* *everyone claps*  One word of praise for anything I do on a daily basis would just make my year.

No complicated interpersonal dynamics.  Relationships are very simple when you’re a toddler.  People either love you and shower you with adoration or they completely avoid you.  And nothing is expected from you in return.  Then wave or crack a smile and you’re considered the most charming, socially skilled person in the room.

Hopelessly untamable hair.  You might think this is a bad thing, but it’s actually amazing.  Having hair that is so wild and crazy that you don’t even TRY to do anything with it.  All that can really be done is to put a little clip in it, and you’re instantly adorable again.

This hair.  That clip.  See what I'm saying?
This hair. That clip. See what I’m saying?

Toddler fashion is the best.  No lie, I am 32 years old and have still not quite recovered from my lifelong Hello Kitty obsession (take one look at my pajama collection, and this is pretty clear).  Thank goodness I had a daughter so I have a legit excuse to buy HK stuff again.  But also, all the bright colors and patterns, frilly dresses, sparkly shoes, flowery hair accessories.  Plus: elastic waistbands on everything!

Realistic body standards.  I don’t know where we go wrong with it all, but toddlerhood is a beautiful time in life when all the things we adults stress over about our bodies are actually cute.  Big bellies, muffin tops, ample thighs, chubby cheeks – are all coveted assets.

Flaunt that belly, kid!
Flaunt that belly, kid!

You take one to two naps a day.  *Drops mic*

Look, I get it.  Being small can be tough.  Terrible motor skills, limited communication abilities, peeing and pooping on yourself all day.  It’s not that I want to switch places with my toddler permanently, I would just love to go back to the simplicity of being 1 for a day.  So don’t be surprised if you see me out in my Hello Kitty pjs.

4 thoughts on “I Want to Be a Toddler

  1. Surprise trip to Trader Joe’s?!?! I’m in! LOL great post. I totally want in on this toddler gig.
    And as usual, I would like to eat your daughter. I mean that in the most non-weird way possible.


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