Trying in Vain to Find Balance in my Life

6 comments

I am consumed with my sons.  I inhale “Jackson” and exhale “Justus.”  And not for a moment do I regret that.  They are my life, my world, and my heart.  What I struggle with is finding a balance between them and everything else.  I recently wrote about my desire to reconnect with myself; however, I’m finding that I don’t really know how.  Yesterday two things happened that just reinforced the fact that I have to focus on finding that elusive balance in my life.

 

Thing 1:  For the first time in 15 years at my job I received a “not-so-great” performance review.  As I walked out of my boss’s office, ears ringing, heart pounding, my initial reaction was one of defense.    However, as the day went on, I began to honestly reflect on my performance over the past year.  When I looked at the situation objectively, I had to admit that I was in fact a “not-so-great” employee.  I was on maternity leave for the beginning of the year, and when I came back physically I wasn’t fully there mentally, then just a few short months later came the inescapable daycare-associated sickness, and I was constantly leaving work early or coming in late for pediatrician appointments.  Definitely not the most productive year in my career.

 

Thing 2:  This past weekend my mother was cleaning out her garage and gave me a big plastic container of some of my old stuff she had been storing for me.  Yesterday I opened it, assuming most of the contents would be chucked in the garbage (I could really use this big plastic container for Justus’s clothes…) and to my surprise what I found in there left my in tears.  The first thing I pulled out was a scrap-book one of my friends made about us.  At first, I didn’t even recognize it.  But as I started going through it, seeing her familiar, loopy handwriting, looking at pictures of two crazy girlfriends smiling back up at me, it made me realize just how far removed I was from that life.  It also made me realize how much I miss that closeness I had with friends.  A closeness that cannot be replaced with a mother/child relationship.

 

So here’s where I am in the quest to find a healthy balance in my life: I recognize that my role as ‘Mom’ is all-consuming now.  I also recognize the necessity for a healthy balance between the Mom me and all the other me’s:  wife, friend, employee, daughter, sister, etc.  But how?  It just leaves me with more questions than answers.  How do you disconnect from being a mom?  Is that even possible?  And if it is, doesn’t that mean you’re being selfish?  Don’t your children deserve all of you?  What’s the answer?  (seriously, I’m asking.)

Ten years ago?  Or a million?
Ten years ago? Or a million?
Was that really me?
Was that really me?
I miss us.
I miss us.

 

 

6 comments on “Trying in Vain to Find Balance in my Life”

  1. Taking time for you is actually the most unselfish thing you can do for your kids. You become a better you, which makes you a better mom, wife, friend, and employee. We need to se a good example for our kids that we are just as important as them. If we don’t take care of ourselves, how can we be any good for anyone else?

  2. This post is so beautifully honest and true. I don’t have something specific to say that will help you find balance but I can tell you that it is definitely something I found gradually as I walked (or dragged myself) down this long road of parenting. Now that my children are solidly “school aged” I think I’m FINALLY feeling more balanced (although definitely still overwhelmed many days). I found amazing friends through my children’s school friends and reconnected with old ones now that we all have a little more time to breathe with older kids. My husband and I can leave the kids for entire weekends with very little concern which has helped us reconnect. I’m called out of work much less often and since I sleep uninterrupted much more often I’m a better employee. For me the answer was time. 🙂

      1. My experience has been very similar to Sara’s. The balance comes with time. Now, with a 4, 5, and 8 year old, I finally feel like I’ve got a decent handle on how to be a good mom and good employee. Maybe in a couple years I’ll add in good friend and wife, lol!

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