Dear Diary… #unfiltered


(This is my actual journal entry…(with some creating editing, of course!))

Dear Diary:

Is it a full moon today?

My weird day started when I overslept my first alarm at 4:15 and finally dragged my @ss out of bed in a panic when my backup alarm rang about an hour later. Thank goodness for backup alarms.

Lunch was a @#%^&! mess because I zoned out and didn’t pay attention to the fact that I overcooked the kids’ ravioli, resulting in ravioli goop instead of nice, individual pieces. I then realized that I had run out of “powder cheese” (parmesean) which meant that the kids would rather starve instead of eat lukewarm ravioli gloop. Mental note: must replace thermoses.

I compensated for my lunch-fail by throwing some chocolate cookies into their lunchboxes. I had hoped that I had nipped the bad day in the bud once I did this, but the day continued with both kids whining when they woke up. Bubba wanted to sleep more, and B wanted to wear a dress but I didn’t have any clean spandex shorts for her to wear underneath it. I glanced at the clock and realized we were 15 minutes late.

“STOP WHINING!!! GO PEE AND GET DRESSED!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!” I had zero patience this morning.

You know the saying that goes, “you get what you ask for” – the whining turned into hysterical crying because “Mommy scared us.” The kids were so upset that both sulked and neither would eat breakfast.

Late, we were still late.

F&*# breakfast. Who needs a real breakfast anyhow? I threw a Nutrigrain bar (AKA “apple cookies”) at each of them as we were leaving the house.

Cue more whining: “You ALWAYS give use apple cookies…we are tired of apple cookies.”

“(sigh)…just eat the freaking apple cookie…”

When I got to school, I realized that I had forgotten to do their homework with them the night prior. We’re already a few pages behind in their reading book, and the teacher had sent a reminder note home saying that it’s expected that we read with the kids daily. We are delinquent for not finishing our homework, and we haven’t even gotten to kindergarten yet.

At 4:00PM, I got a text message from Hubs who picked the kids up from school: Where are you??

I looked at the text message, not knowing what he was referring to: ???

You said you’d meet us at Merwin Meadows.

!@#%&…I’d forgotten that I had promised the kids I’d meet them at the playground and go for ice cream afterwards.

I’ll be right there.

Forget it. Bubba is soaking wet. We have to go home.

WHAT?? What do you mean he’s wet?

And this is the text message I got in response: (note: face blurred for security)

In case it’s not clear, he’s soaking wet…

Bubba wasn’t listening to Dad when Dad told him not to run. He tripped and faceplanted into the water. And now, all I can think about is whether he had any brain eating amoebas go up his nose.

The rest of the day was equally F-ed up. We made up for my broken promise by giving them ice cream after dinner (which was equally as unsatisfying as breakfast and lunch because I fed them mac and cheese and neither wanted it) but B’s ice cream cone got decapitated and eaten by the dog. Of course, we didn’t have any more ice cream to replace it, so we forced Bubba to share his, which only made both kids more upset…

I had planned not to wash the kids today but after Bubba’s pond-falling mishap, he had all sorts of sand, dirt and debris in his hair. Since it’s Friday, the kids get to watch videos before bed. Bath = another 15 minutes less time for them to watch, OR they go to bed later than usual; neither scenario is pretty. Today we opted for a later bedtime, but neither could agree on what to watch so they spent the bulk of their watching-time fighting.

As I was breaking up the fight between the kids, I hear Hubs shouting in the kitchen.

“Hunter, you @#%$&”

That phrase could only mean one of two things – either the dog crapped somewhere he wasn’t supposed to, or he ate something he wasn’t supposed to. The wafting odor of caustic dog poop in the humid, warm air answered my question. Apparently, my dog is lactose intolerant.

Seriously, Diary…IS IT A FULL MOON?? IT BETTER DAMNED WELL BE because if this is a normal day, I am just going to go crawl into a hole…and that hole better be stocked with chocolate and wine.

#Motherhood #Unfiltered



4 comments on “Dear Diary… #unfiltered”

  1. OH MY GOD. I laughed so many times while reading this! Vivian, you are so funny! Apple cookies! I can relate to all of this. Especially the brain eating aemoba. I worry about the most ridiculous shit. Thank you so much for share you crazy (average?) day with us. This is one of my favorites!

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