Motherhood Destroys Modesty…

6 comments

During your life you are taught from a young age to have modesty or some boundaries of privacy. You cover yourself properly, and try to not share private things or parts with anyone. I remember being a little scared to dress into gym clothes freshman year when my non-existent boobs started to bloom. Now do not get me wrong I am not the most modest person in the world by any means, but I did have some that is until….

UNTIL I HAD MY CHILDREN!

I went from caring about the boundaries society has deemed appropriate to not giving a flying fuck.

To non-mothers I am going to break down how the adventure of pregnancy to children will smash any modesty or shame you feel about your private parts accidentally flying out for the world to see and how mothers come to be there.

1. Pregnancy:

All of a sudden all this crazy shit starts happening to your body. It is worse than puberty and the hormones are even crazier. You start throwing up randomly which is very sexy, and your boobs and vag definitely change with the growth of your child. Now the boob growth is pretty great (says the itty bitty titty club member) but the vagina goes from normal to puffy and purple. I referred to it as Grimace. I remember looking at it being like “WTF” why does no stupid pregnancy book tell me my vag is going to look like a McDonald’s Character from my childhood? (Note: It does return back to normal I promise.)

Grimace
WTF happened to my VAGINA!

While pregnant you also start to become really great friends with your GYNO. That once a year pap that may have made you uncomfortable becomes a weekly puppet show where your OBGYN is the puppet master. Your goods are hanging out on the table while she is chatting about the wonderful experience of labor and delivery (eyes roll here).

2. Labor and Delivery:

This is a game changer. One thing you do not realize until you give birth is how little fuck you will care about privacy and modesty when you are in pain. When those waves of contractions come over your body, you will see yourself on all fours begging for relief no matter what the cost. You also have nurses checking your vag, doctors sticking a needle in your vagina to break your water (if it doesn’t itself) and hopefully like I had at a teaching hospital young residents and interns staring at your patchy hairy vagina (I couldn’t see it properly to groom it) to learn a thing or two.

As you actually begin to deliver your beautiful bundle, the team will lift your legs way over your head and even offer a huge mirror. I declined as I was not interested in seeing all of that glory and any blood from me would make my normally strong, biker husband literally freak out. I completely understand why the mirror could be useful but it just makes the road to no modesty that much closer. I mean really how many times have you just stared at your vagina or someone else’s for that matter.

Finally while you are pushing your spawn out all of the lovely liquids associated with delivery come out too. Thank god for professionals in your doctors, nurses and staff in hospitals because you literally shit yourself and these nice people are OK with cleaning it up.

You do not care when you are in that much pain!
You do not care when you are in that much pain!

3. Newborns:

Babies are wonderful and the excitement of new motherhood is great but it is soon replaced with sheer exhaustion. I am talking crazy, torture type exhaustion. You basically get up every two hours and try to catch some Zzzz’s in between but the fear that you may not be doing it right or can kill your child make this beginning stage even more difficult. So there you are a living zombie and just trying to survive other things fall by the wayside. Namely hygiene and your modesty.

I looked like a bum who hadn’t slept in months and got to the point where I did not care if a titty fell out or I had stains all over me, and don’t even get me started on shaving and upkeep.

4. Toddlers:

This phase of your loss of modesty is a little different because hopefully by this point you are getting some sleep, so it is actually coming from the toddler themselves.

My husband and I are open about everything except one thing. We do NOT shit in front of each other. We have for over 12 years kept this one sacred thing to ourselves. Let me rephrase–sacred and disgusting. Once you have a toddler you will never again piss or shit alone again. My son will just walk right in and even better leave the door open. I literally had a family member see me since our bathroom door is right in the eye sight of our front door.

My kids will also take an occasional shower with me and that is where the random comments about my saggy boobys, or big butt come into play while he/she pokes at me LITERALLY. You recognize that your modesty left as you can no longer lock your door.

They will find you...
They will find you…

Conclusion:

If you are a modest person do not worry because the arrival of your children will all but squash it. On a side note it is actually liberating to not care what others think of you and pooping…

im_known_for_my_modesty

6 comments on “Motherhood Destroys Modesty…”

  1. LMAO, hilarious! Now, all of a sudden, that dild0-cam (the internal ultrasound) doesn’t seem so shockingly bad anymore!!!

  2. So true – all of it! I had what looked like a frat boy up in my parts right before I delivered my daughter. He thought nothing of sitting at the end of the bed and just shoving an arm up there as a way of saying hello. I am now at the toddler stage with my daughter and my every trip to the bathroom is followed by her screaming “Pum!” (aka “come”) and running in behind me.

  3. Crowd at the hospital for me, too! I remember teaching one of the interns that day what “fundal height” was. He left the room and I told my nurse that I wanted that guy to be notably absent when my kid came out.

  4. HAHAAAAA. YES. OMG I had a whole CROWD watch me have my first at Middlesex! Pedi, OB, nurse nursing students (at least 2), and a pedi resident. Oh hey, everyone! Come on in!! I used to change in the bathroom stalls at the gym pre-kids, and I once answered the door for UPS WHILE still nursing my newborn post-kids. Modesty is gone.

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