Impending Doom

We found out…

We’re having another girl!

Big sister is thrilled. (photo credit: E. Gonzalez)

I am totally shocked because I convinced myself 100% that she was a boy.  I guess second pregnancies really are just harder – or, I guess a girl can still make me want to eat all the things – or, I guess my “mother’s intuition” really does suck.  Reactions to this news have varied but mostly fall into the positive camp.  My father-in-law said to my husband something like, “Congratulations.  What, you can’t make boys?”  And lots of other guys have joked to that same end.   Predictably, the question of whether we’ll “try for a boy” has already begun.  Given that I don’t even know what I’m making for dinner tonight (AND THAT IT’S NONE OF ANYONE’S BUSINESS), I really can’t say if a third child will happen.  I do know that my waddle, arm flaps, and hemorrhoids are putting me firmly in the NO camp today.  (What, too much?)

So we’ve established that second pregnancies can be very physically different, but I’ve found that my frame of mind has also changed very much.  I remember with my first, the idea of having a baby seemed so strange and unknown that I had a hard time picturing what my life would be like after she was born.  It just seemed like a big, empty hole – but it was the exciting kind of unknown, like going off to college or on a European vacation.  This time around, the romance of new motherhood has burst its bubble.  I’m not picturing a black hole, just a big jumble of sleep deprived, engorged, sore, frustrated, unshowered, touched-out-edness.

This attitude seems to impact everything that happens lately.  For example, we recently spent ten days visiting my husband’s family in Florida, and as we were saying goodbye to them I felt this extra layer of sadness.  There was the normal sadness of knowing I won’t see them and they wouldn’t see my daughter for a while.  But I also had the realization of just how much my life is going to change before I see them again.  I was barely holding back tears.  This anticipation of change isn’t a feeling like butterflies on Christmas Eve, it’s more like that of impending doom.

I know, sorry. (Source)
I know, sorry. (Source)

So I’ve gone from the up of finding out I’m having another baby girl to the down of feeling like my life as I know it is about to be crushed.  Talk about the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy – I had another experience this week that flipped my switch again.  I got to hold a baby!

A good friend of mine gave birth to a little girl at the end of June, and I finally got to see them both.  I had no idea how enamored I would be with this baby.  She was so tiny, so warm and snuggly, and her sly smile was so charming.  New baby smell is something I don’t remember even noticing when I had my own newborn, but I found this one irresistible.  We had a perfectly uneventful afternoon, the three of us.  My friend and I chatted and had lunch while baby slept, ate, pooped, and did a little fussing.  We took a walk.  I explored her closet, filled with soft, miniature clothes.  The visit helped me realize that I was harping on all the unpleasant parts of having a newborn and forgetting about the simplicity and the small joys of it.

Yes, I know it will be hard to have two little ones.  I’m sure I will be tired.  I’m sure it will be stressful.   But I have the support of my husband and my family, and my older daughter gives me the perspective of knowing the awesome little person my new baby will become.  I am glad that I had a little reminder this week of the good part of what’s ahead of me.  I can totally do this!  (Right?????)

Now let’s see where this pregnancy rollercoaster brings me next….

Roller coasters are fun!  (Source)

One thought on “Impending Doom

  1. Of course you can do it. It’s a roller coaster for sure, but you’ll melt when your older daughter shows interest in helping with the baby. I’m biased, but think two girls is the bomb.


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