Halloween Doesn’t Scare Me. I’m a Mom!


Everything, everywhere in October—let’s face it, early September—is scary. You can’t even walk into a CVS without having to distract your kid and dodge the giant skeleton pirate and his skeleton dog (Is that what scurvy does to you?). They say the night is dark and full of terrors, but I ain’t afraid of no ghosts—Real life is WAY scarier. Here’s what’s making me quake in my boots lately:

Last-minute costume changes. Zoey wants to be a professional golfer for Halloween this year. It’s a parent’s dream-a very simple costume. The clincher was that she could use her golf bag as a candy bag. But you know…it was a little too easy to get her to agree to it. As we’re getting closer and closer to the big day, I was afraid to even bring the subject of costumes up for fear that she’d want to change her mind completely and I’d be left hunting for a last-minute costume.

I decided to be proactive about the inevitable and save my sanity. At Target this week, I not-so-subtly pushed her toward the costume aisle and said, “Wanna look at the costumes for fun?” One Princess Leia costume later, we now have our backup. How many of you are shaking your head, saying to yourself, “Yeah right. Good luck with that. What happens when she doesn’t want to be Princess Leia OR a golfer?”? Oh, you’ve met my kid? Well, I have a second backup just in case-rainbow ballerina. And possibly a third-gym teacher. I might have a problem.

Help Me Obi-Wan. Photo property of K. Stevenson
Help Me Obi-Wan. Help me pick a costume.
Photo property of K. Stevenson

Monstober on Disney. Seriously, Disney, you cater to little kids. Little kids who are prone to nightmares!! Does every commercial/show before 8:00 at night have to have a gory, ghostly creature in it? Come. On. I can’t tell you how many times Zoey has been afraid to go to a darker part of our house by herself (you know, to the BATHROOM) because “I’m scared of Monstober!” Her words, not mine. I wrote a post about it a few years ago, and it still isn’t any better with an older kid.

Acorns, Man. Acorns. I don’t know about you, but at my house, you’re taking your life into your hands when you go outside. The acorns are dropping by the thousands and they’re all aiming for my head. Our backyard is officially a hard hat area. If they’re not denting my skull, they are forming a carpet of marbles for me to slip on and break my ankle. Raking them up doesn’t help. You turn around and there are always more! Alfred Hitchcock should have made a movie about these things. Why so many?? Even the internet knows what I’m talking about:

End of days?  Horrible winter?
End of days? Horrible winter?

Resisting Halloween Candy. Let me be the first to say that Halloween week is not a good week to start eating healthy and cutting out sugar while having PMS. I’m just going to let that sit there…

November 1st. Already. Holy freaking crap. Winter is coming. Only 8 weeks until Christmas. But you know what’s even scarier? IT COULD SNOW ANY DAY NOW. Fuck.

The Homework Monster. This evil creature comes out every night after dinner when math worksheets and reading have to get done. This monster is known to growl and say “UGH!!” a lot. Often recognized by its signature eye roll, the Homework Monster also has a tendency to throw pencils and violently erase holes in papers when it makes a mistake. If you can tame the beast, sometimes it even does math. It is as terrifying as the Toothbrush Monster, Clean-Up Monster, and I-don’t-want-to-wear-pants Monster, which also live at my house.

It’s a scary, scary world out there. Sometimes I think I’d rather take my chances with the ghosts and goblins out there, than be terrified of the nightmares in here! Bwuhuhuhaha!  What spooky stuff is keeping you up at night?

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