Things I Think About at 2 AM


2 am

Why does my arm hurt? Oh hello little baby. When did you come in? How do I not wake up to the sound and feel of her crawling into my bed? If I can’t wake up to that, will I wake up if there’s an intruder?

She wanted me to read her a book tonight but I asked O to do it. Why? Was I seriously that busy? She deserves time with me too. But O needs to read more and that certainly counts. That’s a parenting win. I should have her read to the baby every night. Soon the baby won’t want me to read to her, though. I need to make time.

I should really stop calling her the baby. I’m infantilizing her. She’s going to kindergarten in the fall. She won’t think she’s capable of things if I keep calling her the baby. She needs to do more for herself. I’ll have her get herself dressed in the morning. Oh no, not tomorrow. We have to leave early and we won’t have time. The next day…for sure.

Crap. I didn’t put the wet clothes into the dryer. Should I do it now? I’ll probably wake the baby up if I go downstairs. Stop calling her the baby. Do I have anything dry to wear tomorrow?

Why did I get so upset at N this evening? She had a long day too. She didn’t mean to spill her dinner—it was an accident. Why did I yell? I just made her feel worse. Why can’t I control my moods better at night? It’s because I’m tired and stressed and doing the best I can. I’ll need to do better.

Does she have enough friends? Twelve is such a hard age. I’m so worried she’s going to be unhappy. Is she happy? Is she telling me everything? I hope she will come to me with questions and worries. She knows she can come to me, right? No she probably won’t because I yelled at her when she spilled her dinner everywhere. I need to be nicer to her.

Did I lock the deadbolt on the back door before going to bed? Did he? What’s that noise? Is someone breaking in? Why must he snore SO LOUDLY!? I can’t hear if we are about to be murdered.

O’s soccer season starts this week. Does she really want to play soccer? I think she likes it. She’s so good she needs to keep playing. But she wants to take that dance class. No way she can squeeze it all in. She really wants to dance. Is she not dancing because I don’t want her to dance? Am I making this decision for her? Well I’m paying for it. I should have a say, right? Is she going to hate me? No, she loves soccer. I think.

What’s my day like tomorrow? Any meetings? Yep. Did I do the paperwork? Nope. How could I forget to do that? I have time before the meeting…I think.

We should buy a new mattress. Maybe I would sleep better if we had a new mattress. When did we buy this one? I’m too tired to subtract. We need a fence though…and the roof is scaring me…and there’s always something. I should buy a lottery ticket. If I won the lottery we would buy a mansion and I’d make sure it had a brand new roof. I would buy a new purse too. Did I leave my purse in the car? Did I lock the car? What’s that noise?

Maybe I can’t sleep because I’m sick. I have some horrible cancer that’s eating my brain and keeping me awake. I need to make an appointment with the doctor—husband too. We are getting older and we need to take care of ourselves. We need to eat better. No more pizza nights. I’m such a lousy cook. I wish I could cook amazing, healthy food for my family. I’m slowly killing my family with horrendous food.

How many lunches do I need to make tomorrow? What’s on the hot lunch menu? Visualize the bulletin board…I can do it. Did they circle tomorrow’s choice? Ugh who knows. Why don’t I make lunches at night? I make my mornings so busy and for no reason. I should pack lunches at night. Won’t their sandwiches get soggy? I know I would hate a sandwich that was made over twelve hours ago.

If I go to sleep right this minute I’ll still get three more hours of sleep. That’s not too bad. I slept for three hours before the baby woke me (stop calling her the baby) and three plus three is six. That’s plenty. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Seriously, what IS that noise?

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