Dear Luke,

A few years ago, I  wrote a letter to your sister when she started potty training. This worked out ok so I have decided to do the same for you. I have decided to give potty training you a try this summer. Please bear with me as we embark on this journey because I don’t quite know how to potty train a boy. With your sister it was easy. I am female and grew up in a predominantly female household. But what do you do with boys? Do you stand? Sit? Straddle the seat? And if so, facing forward or back? Because I’ve been told you can do both. Nonetheless, we will try this sitting down so you can do whatever sort of business you need to without too much moving around. Keep it simple is my motto.

I have been told it takes longer to potty train boys than girls. No one knows why. The Academy of Pediatrics thinks it’s because boys are more active than girls, but I can’t imagine that to be true because your sister never stopped moving ever since she rolled herself off the sofa at 2 months old. No worries – she was ok – but just scared the living daylights out of me. But I digress – this post is about you.

Anyways, I consider using the potty one of the great milestones in life. Sure talking and walking are special, but learning to honk your nose, discovering that disco is your favorite musical genre, and learning to wear underwear, are pretty monumental feats in my book. I can tell you might be ready for this since you love using the words undies, poopie, toot, and of course, fart. You like to take your diaper off and leave your mark in various places around the house. I think we’ll have to change the carpets after this. But who knows?! Maybe you won’t be ready until your 25. We’ll try anyway.

Like with sister, I will start by reviewing with you the different types of boys’ underpants out there: briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs, and speedos. The latter to be worn NEVER, unless you become a professional swimmer. I would stay away from any fabric that is not 100% cotton for comfort’s sake and for good hygiene, especially if you live in a humid climate. If you start sports there may be the necessity of a cup, but I think I will put daddy in charge of that one because I don’t even understand how those things work, nor have I ever seen one up close.
Toilet paper is only to be used after doing your business. It is never ok to toilet paper the neighbors’ house on Halloween or any other time of year. I would prefer that you always wipe every time you go, but daddy says that’s not always practical. Always check to make sure toilet paper doesn’t get stuck to your shoe since we seem to have a lot of TP on the floor from you pulling it off the roll and using it like Superman’s cape. ALWAYS wash your hands. And please, please, please, for the love of God, put down the seat after you have finished. Women (and I’m sure many polite men) are really impressed when you leave the seat down. If you decide to marry a woman, she will thank you for this gift of fine etiquette you’ve given her. She will never have to worry about accidentally falling in the toilet in the dark at 3 am because daddy you didn’t leave the seat down.

There will come a time in adolescence when your peers will be curious about each other’s underwear. Just know this: It is never appropriate to show your underpants nor try to sneak a peek at anyone else’s underpants at any time. And please, no mooning. I don’t care if your buddy bets you $5 and a pizza to moon the neighbor, no exposing your bum. Ever.

So here goes another adventure! I love you so much and am proud of my sweet boy. Live your life freely, but please keep your shorts on.

Love,
Mommy
xoxo