I have been a wreck since the ultrasound. It was all good news. Measurements on track, bones and organs present and growing, regular heartbeat, little fingers and little toes. All the screenings we’ve taken have been low-risk/negative. I wasn’t really worried about all that. 99% of babies come out with all of these things in tact and I had no reason to think mine would be different.

Then they told us it was a girl. She is a girl.

That’s what I fixated on as the “bad news.” I went in feeling totally fine about either sex, but the news we were having a girl hit me like a ton of bricks. Like she had been diagnosed with increased risk for everything bad, like sexual assault. All I could think about was the catcalling and not being able to walk alone at night and all of the bullshit girls and women constantly put up with. I’m a woman, so’s my wife. We both like it, we both deal with the B.S. that comes along.

But my daughter can’t. She’s too perfect, too innocent, and now she has a horrible life ahead of her. Everything’s ruined. I have been crying on and off for three days since the car ride home from the ultrasound.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t about her being a girl. If we were having a boy, I’d be worried about him not feeling like he could ever express emotions, or getting killed in war, or being molested, or becoming one of the bad ones who hurts daughters. I think what I’m experiencing is a little thing called momming.

People said you’ll worry about your kid and you’ll feel more than you ever thought you could. Yeah, yeah, I know. But holy crap, IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU COULD. I have been crying about how fast she has grown since the last ultrasound. I have been crying about how she is moving around in there doing all kinds of things like sucking her thumb and I don’t get to see 99% of it. I’m missing all of it already and it’s going by too fast! My mind has been going to prom, graduation, wedding… Crying, crying, crying. And she developed a sex (gender TBD) and I didn’t even know what it was or have any say! I’m not going to have a say in SO MUCH. I’m getting overwhelmed just typing it out.

So I think I might be becoming a parent. Or at least reaching a weepy stage of pregnancy. Thank God for my wife. She is over the moon excited and being so, so cute. She is listening to me and not making me feel bad for the feelings I can’t help having. I am kind of jealous of where she’s at, but it is reassuring to know we’re in this together no matter what. She is going to help me bond with this child that terrifies me already. (Please don’t take your first steps too soon, little girl!)

This going to be hard and wonderful. I’m just starting to get all the things people say. It’s incredible what a ride this will be. For now I am just going to feed us some ice cream til I feel better.