Caught Up in Me

About a month ago, the job I loved was taken away. In case you haven’t heard, the state budget isn’t looking so hot and in an effort to “streamline” government, my agency was consolidated with two others. The result being that a 43 year old feminist agency was eliminated and my professional future unclear. And, unfortunately, I didn’t handle it so well.

By all appearances I handled it just fine- mature, professional, understanding. But at home, with the people who love me most, and with friends whom I entrust in, I was a hot mess. I was selfish, angry, and expressed unusually large sums of self pity. What would happen to me, where would I go, I’ve worked so hard, why is this happening? I started to read my horoscope every day…a clear sign for me that I’ve lost my shit.

Not knowing what came next and the uncertainty of my professional future became unbearable and I lost sight of what was right in front of me. I forgot to be grateful for all that I do have. I didn’t stop to recognize how very fortunate I am. And I most certainly didn’t believe that it would all work out as its supposed to (thus the reading of the horoscope).

Now, on the other side of the chaos, it has all worked itself out. I am home with my son on his first week of summer vacation and I begin a new job that both excites and interests me before the month’s end. Unfortunately though, I am also left to face the hurt that my grotesque consumption of self has caused those I love most. Life certainly isn’t easy, and I am once again reminded that it is a continual learning process. But, life certainly is beautiful, and if I can just stop and take a moment to reflect on that each and every day, maybe the next time I’m faced with what seems like a crisis, I’ll be able to trust in what’s to come and love all that I have.

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