I looked down at my right hand and couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  My pointer finger was broken.  I mean, totally broken in half.  So weird, I didn’t feel any pain.  But it was clearly broken.  It had to be fixed.  I had to get myself to a hospital.  But there was no time!  I had to study for a test.  There was no way I was going to be able to pass this test; I wasn’t prepared.  God, why didn’t I study more?  Not to mention, I couldn’t drive with a broken finger.  Who could I ask to take me?  And then of course there were the boys.  Someone would have to watch my boys.  I just don’t have time to deal with this!  I looked down again, hoping it had magically fixed itself, but nope, there it was: my finger, broken in half, totally lifeless and useless.

 

Then…“Mommy!”

 

It was my little one.  Where was he?

 

I was so confused….

 

“Mommy!”

 

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock: 4:11.  My 2-year old was calling my name.  I was still stuck in that foggy place between sleep and reality.  I had to fix something.   I couldn’t ignore it any longer.  But my baby needs me.

 

…and then I didn’t think any more about my broken finger.

 

A few minutes later, I was fully awake, rocking my baby back to sleep and I went over my dream in my head.  Freud would have scoffed at its simplicity.  I’m not much of a believer in dream interpretation (mostly because I dream a lot about shopping and eating.  I’m pretty shallow in my dreams).  But, man, this dream.  There was nothing ambiguous about it.  No need to look too deep into this one.

 

It’s not my finger that’s broken.

 

It’s me.

 

I’m just now crawling out of a deep hole, and I can see the light above, but

I.

Just.

Can’t.

Quite.

Grasp.

It.

 

The hole is dark and scary and filled with suppressed anger and anxiety.  But it’s below me now.  Now, if I can just get to the light place that’s warm and filled with love and peace.

 

I’m in that halfway place – like the fog I was stuck in this morning –  between my dream and reality.

 

I feel broken.

 

But you know what’s cool?  As soon as a bone is broken, it immediately starts to heal.  It produces new cells and blood vessels that start to rebuild the bone.  The cells multiply to cover the break and the bone ends up healed completely, as good as new.

 

So, in my dream world, my finger is already healing itself.  And in my reality, I am beginning to heal as well.

 

I am focusing on the light in front of me, above me, around me, and slowly, one step at a time, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  Upward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photograph by Ed Rudman.