Elation, disbelief, surprise, fear, excitement, and…guilt?

6 comments

I don’t even know how to begin to write this post, partly because I was unsure if I was going to write it in the first place. I suppose I should begin with…I’m pregnant.

 

Wait, let me start again—I’m PREGNANT!

 

That’s better. I think? I’ve been so on the fence about publicly sharing our happy news that it is hard to know how to say it. But, why?

 

Telling my husband was easy. Telling our families was just as easy, and fun. Talk about a surprise for everyone! We eagerly shared the news we didn’t think we’d have the chance to say again. Another baby!

 

Total elation and excitement, definite disbelief, surprise and fear. We’ve now been through all of the normal emotions of a new pregnancy. But, why the guilt?

 

I’ve been reluctant to share our news publicly, although most of me is dying to shout it from the rooftops. Why wouldn’t I want to celebrate this baby, just like we did with our first baby? Because we didn’t think there would be another baby. There wasn’t supposed to be another baby. Not easily, anyway. It shouldn’t have been possible. With the news of our infertility before Lenny was conceived, we were told that the likelihood we would conceive on our own was slim to none, a near impossibility.

 

After that initial shock wore off, I took to this blog and other social media, sharing my story of infertility with, well, everyone. Most of my story stayed fairly local, while parts of it made it all the way to the Huffington Post. I was comfortable sharing our struggles with infertility—it was cathartic for me to write about it, and it seemed to be a source of support for others who were going through a similar situation. Many people—close friends, high school acquaintances I followed casually on Facebook, even strangers—reached out in one way or another to share their experiences with infertility with me, or to offer words of encouragement. I was comfortable shouldering some of the burden for people who did not want to talk about their infertility as publicly, as I continued to write about our infertility even during the course of my eventual pregnancy.

 

It is because I was so public about our infertility struggles that I’m so wary to share our good news now. This baby was not conceived from an IVF cycle as was Lenny. We did not need any interventions. We didn’t even see a doctor until we finally figured it out somewhere during week nine. While we thought we did the impossible by conceiving Lenny on our first IVF cycle, we really defied the odds this time by becoming pregnant on our own, a total surprise.

 

I can just see others who were in my shoes three short years ago rolling their eyes as they read this—perfect, another happy ending for her, another baby. So much for that infertility! I was there, and I get it. It’s incredibly painful to hear about others’ happy news when the hope for yourself feels so small. While part of me wants to spam everyone’s Facebook feeds with the news of this incredible pregnancy, I am sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants to see this kind of news ad nauseum.

 

So, I’m still on the fence about openly announcing our pregnancy. I suppose writing a blog post about it totally counts as publicly sharing, so consider this my first little celebration of our news. I’m pregnant. You guys, I’m pregnant again!

 

I hope you will celebrate with me, and know that I still hope to be support for you, too.

6 comments on “Elation, disbelief, surprise, fear, excitement, and…guilt?”

  1. Congratulations! After IVF we also had a surprise pregnancy. Our son is seven and I’m still shocked that we conceived naturally.

  2. Wonderful!! I share almost the exact same experience. Conceived first try with IVF for my daughter, then a surprise pregnancy 8 months later! So so so happy for you. I can relate to the “weird” feeling. Getting it easy after it was hard is a bit difficult to swallow…doesn’t feel right. BUT IT IS! Enjoy enjoy!

  3. How wonderful! And, you’re not alone in your story. Exact. Same. Situation. For us. Blessedly so. 1st son, 1st IVF round. 2nd son, nada (but followed 3 early miscarriages in a row.) Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

  4. Gena, I too find myself inexplicably pregnant (14 weeks!) after a battle with infertility. And I too have an almost-2-year-old son who is the result of one round of IVF. This pregnancy was as much of a shock to me and my husband as it was to you. And I understand the guilt and also feel it BUT I realize that infertility is something that has become a part of me. I won’t ever un-understand it. The sadness and the pain and the desperation and isolation are just in me. I have been very open about our struggle and like to think I’ve helped a few people because of it. And as you said, just because I got to do this the easy way this time, I won’t ever stop championing those who struggle and the obstacles and struggles they face. So, congratulations! Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy!

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