Crying in the shower: “I can’t do this.”

The hot water caresses your back as it drips over your face mixing with tears.

It feels like everyone else has it together.

They’re smiling in pictures like life a cake walk. They don’t look how you feel. And they talk about how much energy they have every. single. day.

While you’re here sitting in doubt..

Motherhood. Some women make it look simple. Some make it look devastating.

You…you cry in the shower.

You sometimes feel like you aren’t doing a good enough job.

At times, you don’t even know what to do.

If you’re a shower crier, this is for you:

You’re not alone. I’m right there with you.

I go through these moments and continue to learn how to be a mom. I’ve been analyzing this process, wondering what happens to who we were.

We find ourselves at a crossroads once we become ‘mom’.

A crossroads of being completely in love with our child and spouse, excited to be a mom, yet emotionally confused at the same time.

Lost.

We try to ‘get back on track’ but don’t realize we are on a new track. We’re creating a new woman and no matter how hard we try to get back to where we left off… it won’t happen. We are evolving.

Shower crier: I know you’re struggling through this evolution. We don’t know how to communicate our needs because it’s the last thing on our mind.

We are consumed by every detail of our new baby.

We are learning how to take care of a human without any instructions. Not all models are the same. And for the first time in our lives, someone else needs us to survive.

No one prepares you for the first few months. Those real feelings, challenges and changes. And if you’re a breastfeeding mom, the challenges multiply (especially in a society pushing you away from it).

In this whirlwind of first time mom life: we don’t know when we last ate, we don’t brush our teeth until noon and we are completely lost on what day, month and sometimes year it is. We long to be able to put on anything but spandex, do our hair and put some makeup on. Your mind goes blank on a regular basis throughout the day. You are hyper focused on your child’s well-being.

And for the first time, you aren’t working–A hard mode to switch out of for a working woman.

The crossroads, where you are slowing down to raise new life, yet trying to figure out HOW to return to work and HOW to create this new path. You want it to happen overnight. I spend more time thinking about the new path than creating it. Simply because it’s not time yet. I’m still learning a new human.

You want to ask for help in the simplest of tasks. But you also want to be able to feel accomplished at SOMETHING. Even if it is laundry.

You, of course, want to be supermom, superwife, and superwoman!

My son, Elijah, is 2 months old and I’m continuously learning how to be his mom. While at the same time, being a newlywed and not wanting to neglect my husband in this process of learning motherhood.

Can you relate?

I’m trying to figure out how and when to go back to work. Because deep down..
I don’t FEEL ready. Trying to find family to watch him. Trying to get him on some sort of schedule to prepare for my absence. Trying to make sense of it all. While the weeks of maternity leave slip away and bills need to get paid.

There’s no middle ground with an employer, they want all of you. But, my son needs all of me. He’s lying on my chest as we speak — along with his most recent bottle strike if anyone but me tries to give it to him. I’m trying to put him down to nap (but he doesn’t), I’m trying to have him get used to other people who might be watching him (but he cries)…I’m trying to prepare.

And I’m suppose to just leave him because THEY say it’s time to?

How is that reasonable? How is that possible now that you’re ‘mom’.
If you’re like me, the health and well-being of your child will be far more important than job duties. How am I supposed to pump at work anyways? Or be away from Elijah for more than 3 or 4 hours of the day? And do I trust someone else to raise my 2 month old or my child for that matter?

All these new mom anxieties. I’m either extreme or speaking what we all think.

Experienced moms are laughing while new moms are crying right along with me!
We are staring in the mirror at who we were before, creating who we are now.

I’m exhausted. I’m confused. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

In the middle of it all, I’m just trying to figure out how to better care for my baby.

As I’m kneeling there, in the shower, with tears streaming down my face, I think, “I was created to do this and I’m surrounded by women who have done it and are doing it. God wouldn’t have brought me this far, and blessed me with this beautiful family to NOT be able to do it.”

So why do we freeze?
As if we are an isolated new mom case. It feels like no one can relate. When in reality, every mom does.

I begin to think “I can do this”. I begin to believe it too. My mom did it (3 times) and she’s still standing.

It’s time to stand up, wipe away the tears and have faith. No tears, no challenge, no “thing” outweighs the love you have for your baby and your call to motherhood.

If you’re a new mom standing at the crossroads, just know that you aren’t standing alone. You’re standing with many other new moms who need to go back to work with a burning feeling in their hearts, the strong women who have done it and the ones that are doing it.

You already are superwoman!
How? Because you carried, birthed and are raising another human.

And now you’re stepping up. You’re either going back to work or creating that new job that fits your family life. Either way…

Hold on tight to your goals. You may not know how they will be fulfilled. But they will be as long as you keep taking steps forward.

It’s ok to take baby steps right now.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Take 15 minutes a day to breathe, be still and clear your mind. Visualize your ideal life/work.
Take bath once or twice a week. Go for a walk solo.
Write all your feelings out, even if they don’t make sense. Write out a plan of action.

Find what works for you.
Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.
You’re learning, growing, and becoming the newest, best version of yourself…mom.