Just when I thought my physical exhaustion was overwhelming, I realized my mental exhaustion was worse.
I am so, so lucky and privileged. My work at this time is done from home and only takes a few hours a day, sometimes less. I am all set up for my work-at-home mom life and I haven’t needed to commute or anything during this whole pregnancy. (It was a lot more than a few hours a day in my first trimester but now I have a break between projects.) I’ve been able to nap whenever I want 7 days a week. I have no other children to take care of. I have a supportive partner and family. I have enough money for everything I need. My apartment is being expanded to make a bedroom for the baby and get a dishwasher, bathtub, and AC.
And yet I feel like everything sucks. The renovations have already taken more than twice as long as they were supposed to with no end in sight. Of course they’re costing more than the estimate too. My mood swings are on the verge of making me non-functioning. I have nausea, heartburn, aches and pains, and all that regular pregnancy stuff. I’m not having sex. I am living with my aunt and uncle and their 3 pets while staying in their guest bedroom with our 3 pets. I have no privacy and I don’t get to spend this pregnancy (my first and almost certainly only) alone with my wife which is all I want. All my plans get messed up by the daily new delay in construction. Everyone recommends baths to me for the hip pain or for soaking in epsom salts and I won’t have the bathtub til I’m 8 months pregnant and even though it was supposed to be from like 6 months.
I am going to weekly acupuncture, weekly prenatal yoga, monthly prenatal massage, and doing almost daily self-hypnosis exercises to stay afloat. What a great way to spend money when it is flying out the door on so many other things! Like the $5K so far in out of pocket medical bills we didn’t expect thanks to our crappy insurance and my very sick pregnancy. Yay for zero savings left for when the baby is born! The highlight of my week (31 weeks) is that I didn’t throw up for the first time since 6 weeks.
I put so much energy into trying to have a positive outlook. Being excited for our daughter’s arrival, enjoying her kicks, being grateful for all I have, putting this temporary stuff into perspective. But I keep being unhappy with the way things are. My wife is tired of my daily negativity. My aunt who is putting so much into the renovation and having houseguests for 2 months gets little appreciation from me because I am sick of having to live with her (nothing personal to her, I’m just an introvert). It sucks. I suck. Waaaah.
All I can do is keep trying to be grateful. I have made lots of space for acknowledging that these things do suck for my context but it is enough. I’m proud of myself for all the self-care I’m doing while being depressed. I’m happy I’ve only had a couple of breakdowns. My wife and I are still good together through the stress. It’s just a taste of what life with a newborn will be like but I think I will be able to handle it. I’m seeing now that even when you feel like everything is going wrong, time keeps passing, things get resolved, new things come up, the world doesn’t end, you go on. I’ll try to take that lesson with me when my baby’s shit hits the fan.