Hi! How are you? I am fine. My name is Emily. I am 34 years old. I hope you will find our house. It’s the pretty white one with all the screaming. There are also several rotting pumpkins on the lawn that I kicked off the front steps in an unsuccessful attempt to hide them. You’re a pretty busy guy, I’m sure you can understand that.
I have been very good this year. Since last Christmas, I have worked hard at being a good mom and a good wife and a good human. I worked hard to be more patient. I always tried to offer my kids fruits and vegetables and fiber. I limited screen time to waking hours. I held off on drinking until 5:00 pm – and 11:00 am on weekends (not counting mimosas). I dutifully attended therapy sessions. Oh, I also birthed a human – no biggie.
As a child, I would have asked for American Girl doll accessories or craft kits. Remember the year I asked for a papasan chair and a lava lamp? Oh, the 90’s. Writing this letter is a little harder as an adult. What I really want are impossible, intangible things that money can’t buy and even you can’t make: world peace, more hours in the day, getting paid $100k per year to watch Netflix and eat my feelings. One thing that being a mom has taught me is that the little things are really important. With that in mind, below is a list of some things that I would like for Christmas this year. I’ll admit, it’s a tough list. I’m counting on your magic, Santa!
I would like:
-A privacy screen between the front and back seats of my car.
-One easy, healthy, and impressive recipe that I can make from ingredients found in my pantry.
-Socks that will not absorb water, mushed banana, or squeezy pouches.
-A book that makes me fall asleep exactly at the one-chapter mark.
-A washer with a “poop” cycle and a “barf” cycle.
-A bathrobe that my kids can’t pull open and that keeps me warm but not sweaty.
-Slippers that will never get stinky.
-A phone case or app that will beep loudly when I shout, “WHERE’S MY FUCKING PHONE” above a certain decibel. (Even better if it shouted back at me – e.g., “I’M UNDER THE FUCKING COUCH.”)
-A craft kit that I can do with no hands.
-A TV screen that can be installed on the ceiling over the changing table.
-A gift certificate to a women’s clothing store that has free babysitting.
-A milk dispenser (like in a cafeteria) in my kitchen to free up like half of my fridge space. (Bonus: a juice dispenser to free up another 25%. [Extra bonus: WINE DISPENSER])
-Full-body (chin to ankles) Spanx and/or girdle.
-Candy in shapes of things that my kids won’t want to eat – like spinach, tomatoes, blueberries, or dinner.
I understand if you are not able to meet each request. In the words of Sally Brown, “If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties?”