When I can’t come up with anything good to write about, I go back and look at the things I wrote to myself in the height of the hardest period of my life – the first year after my first-born was first born and diagnosed with Down syndrome. It was a pretty dark time for what should’ve been the happiest time. I hope this shines a little light into what it’s like to get the kind of surprise. The best worst surprise I’ve ever had the privilege of receiving.
* * *
Today Abby is 6 weeks old and while it’s getting easier, I’m still having a hard time letting go of the day she was born. All I want to do is go back to my old life… a time where I knew which was way up, who I was, and what I wanted out of life.
I want to go back and do it again because it didn’t happen like I’d imagined it would. Everything – from pregnancy to laboring to actually getting her out and everything beyond.
I thought I’d have a miserable pregnancy.
I thought I’d have to be induced.
I thought I’d be in labor for days.
I thought I’d have a c-section.
I didn’t think the doctors would have any reason to come in and have “the talk.”
I want to go back. Back to the countdown, the excitement of the unknown. Back to where all I had was a belly and an imagination. Back to where I knew I had no idea what I was getting into – but oh I really didn’t. Would that change anything?
Well, who knows because I can’t do it anyhow.
Would I want anything to be changed?
I don’t know.
Because look at what we’ve got. She came into the world so much easier than I’d thought. And I thought she’d never sleep. I thought she’d scream all day and make me insane. I thought I’d miss my “freedom” and everything that comes with being a “dink.” (Dual income, no kids.) I thought it would be hard in the ways everyone says it is. But it isn’t. This kid is sooo good. She barely cries, she sleeps, she eats like a champ. It’s hard alright but not like everyone said.
Look at this face. Really, what more could I ask for?
(Ok she was clearly more than 6 weeks old in this picture but I came upon it looking for newborn pictures and COME. ON.)