When I can’t come up with anything good to write about, I go back and look at the things I wrote to myself in the height of the hardest period of my life – the first year after my first-born was first born and diagnosed with Down syndrome.  It was a pretty dark time for what should’ve been the happiest time.  I hope this shines a little light into what it’s like to get the kind of surprise.  The best worst surprise I’ve ever had the privilege of receiving.

* * *
Today Abby is 6 weeks old and while it’s getting easier, I’m still having a hard time letting go of the day she was born.  All I want to do is go back to my old life… a time where I knew which was way up, who I was, and what I wanted out of life.

I want to go back and do it again because it didn’t happen like I’d imagined it would.  Everything – from pregnancy to laboring to actually getting her out and everything beyond.

I thought I’d have a miserable pregnancy.

I thought I’d have to be induced.

I thought I’d be in labor for days.

I thought I’d have a c-section.

I didn’t think the doctors would have any reason to come in and have “the talk.”

I want to go back. Back to the countdown, the excitement of the unknown.  Back to where all I had was a belly and an imagination.  Back to where I knew I had no idea what I was getting into – but oh I really didn’t.  Would that change anything?

Well, who knows because I can’t do it anyhow.

Would I want anything to be changed?

I don’t know.

Because look at what we’ve got. She came into the world so much easier than I’d thought.  And I thought she’d never sleep. I thought she’d scream all day and make me insane. I thought I’d miss my “freedom” and everything that comes with being a “dink.”  (Dual income, no kids.)  I thought it would be hard in the ways everyone says it is.  But it isn’t.  This kid is sooo good. She barely cries, she sleeps, she eats like a champ. It’s hard alright but not like everyone said.

Look at this face.  Really, what more could I ask for?

(Ok she was clearly more than 6 weeks old in this picture but I came upon it looking for newborn pictures and COME. ON.)