I’m on the edge folks. Next week Gavin will go on his first ever field trip. The panic doesn’t stem from this just being his first field trip – although that’s a part of it. It’s that this will be his first experience without us. And no – I do not suffer from fear of missing out (I’ve already been where he’s going! 😉 )

I don’t recall being THIS anxious when Bailey went on her first field trip, or when Spencer started going to daycare on his own. I knew that if there was a problem or that if they needed something they were able to TELL someone they needed help. Logically I know that his aide knows him well enough that if he is eye pointing or cranky she can figure it out by reading his body language. But emotionally, I’m not ready.

Colin made a good point the other day when we were discussing this. It’s like the first time parent. When the first child comes along, parents are SUPER overprotective – doing everything “by the book”. By the time kid #2 comes along, the kid could eat piles of dirt and the “eh, he’ll be fine” mentality comes out.  Even though, technically Gavin is kid #2, his CP changes things. It does make me a little more overprotective of him – especially in situations that we haven’t “tested” out yet. He will be going on a bus for the first time and to a place that is not overly handicap accessible.

Look, my head knows that he’s going to be fine. He will be with his friends and teachers and hopefully it’s sunny and beautiful.  But what if there are more loud noises than I recall? (Loud, startling noise can set him off – and there’s no way to tell for how long.) What if he hates it and is bored the entire time? What if ….? (as a planner, “What if” situations don’t sit well with me.) I’m just not ready to let him go into a situation I can’t prepare him for or protect him from.  He is getting to an age where he sees the differences in what he can do and what able-bodied kids his age can do. While probably not the right thing, I just want to make the feeling of “same-ness” last a little longer. Places that aren’t overly handicap accessible only serve to point out those differences in a much stronger way.

And if I’m being totally honest: I’m just not ready to “let go” yet.

So next Friday – if you have a min or two, send some positive vibes (and a drink or two) my way. I’m gonna need ‘em!