The Three-day Potty Training Method

What the book says: Potty training can be crappy.  But it doesn’t have to be.
Reality:  Crap. Everywhere.

What the book says: It will be fun.  It will be worth it.  It’s only 3 days, you’ve got this!
Reality: It will be hell.  You will question everything including what you have done karmically to earn this.

What the book says: You and your child will remain inside the house for three days, during which time he will be naked.
Reality: Your naked child will spend three days trying desperately to escape your house.

What the book says: Once you find a high-value reward, the rest is a breeze!
Reality: You will discover that orange skittles are toddler potty-training crack.  You will also discover that if you give aforementioned child enough of them, you will be cleaning up poop *and* bright orange vomit from your floors.

What the book says: Potty-training has a significant effect on the development of your child’s personality.
Reality: If you spend enough time obsessing about your child’s poop, he may begin acting like a shit-head.

What the book says: Picking the perfect potty makes all the difference.
Reality: You will purchase 3 exorbitantly priced potties and two sets of child-seats for adult toilets, and your child will still defecate in his adorable new training undies and urinate in your bathtub.
What the book says: Instead of dreading potty-training, you will celebrate potty-training as the wonderful milestone it is for your child.
Reality: You will return from trying to potty train to dreading potty training on hour six of day three, which goes something like this:

Child sits on potty (produces nothing). Stands up, “flushes,” demands a Skittle.  Mommy advises that we get a Skittle after we potty.  Child glares, then sits back down on potty (produces nothing).  Stands up, “flushes,” grabs Skittle out of Mommy’s hand.  Chews Skittle, beaming, while peeing on the floor.

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