My birthday is rapidly approaching, and anyone who knows me well knows that I hate my birthday. I do not know why I hate it, but I do. Even though I am very ok with not celebrating, people still insist on asking me what I want for gifts. This year, for my 30^th birthday, I know exactly what I DON’T want. I do not want anyone to ask me these 10 things ever again…

1. So, are you dating anyone yet? The answer is always no. Stop asking. When (if) I ever start dating someone you better believe that information will be plastered on every social media site ever made, and I will probably create some other ones just so I can announce it there too.

2. Did you lose weight? Nope, probably not, and now you’ve got me thinking about my thick hips, fat bum, and three chins. If you’re wondering if I’m working on losing weight just watch me in the break room. Am I crying over the chocolate while simultaneously eating vegetables? If so, then I am probably trying to lost weight. I suggest you run away and don’t poke the bear by trying to have a conversation with me about it.

3. Do you want to go out to eat? I always want to go out to eat. It’s basically my favorite past time. Just assume that I am going to say yes and tell me where and when to meet you.

4. Do you ever go out in the sun? I actually don’t. I live in a cave and only come out at night. My skin is this translucent because I want it to be, and not because I could literally sit in the sun for hours and still not tan.

5. You seriously do not like the beach? Seriously. I do not like sand getting in every crack and crevice on my body. I do not enjoy looking like a lobster even though I put on sunscreen with SPF 5,000. Mostly, though, I can’t stand the fact that everyone on the beach can’t keep their eyes off of my smokin’ hot bathing suit bod.

6. So, are you an animal person? I know you see the cat hair stuck all over my clothing, the guinea pig bumper sticker on my car, and chances are I was probably sitting alone at this social gathering with the host’s pet until you came up to talk to me. So, yes, I would say that I am an animal person.

7. C,mon, won’t you dance to at least one song? I am doing us all a favor by not dancing. With my luck, and lack of coordination, I would knock into someone, which would create a domino effect, and everyone would end up on the floor. I am perfectly happy to sit in my chair and chair dance my heart out while keeping a safe distance from everyone else at the function.

8. Will you eat my yellow Starburst? No, I will not. Even chubby girls have standards. Unless you are willing to give me at least half of your pinks and/or reds we can no longer be friends.

9. You look so young. Are you really his mom? I’ve actually never met this kid before today. I just saw him on the street and asked him if I could bring him to the eye doctor because I figured it would be a fun time to sit in a waiting room for an hour.

10. How do you like having summers off? I hate it. It’s actually the worst. Sleeping late, watching Netflix, and not having to set an alarm are some of my least favorite past times. If I could work everyday all day I probably would.

So, if you really care about me, my happiness, and celebrating my birthday, please, PLEASE, refrain from asking me these questions! If you really can’t avoid them, and would like to get me another gift, I will also take a new house, a trip to Ireland, or a Tamagotchi. Just kidding, kinda…