I’m Tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired of not sleeping through the night. Whether it be a nighttime visit from my youngest, a nightmare, insomnia, or just the various aches and pains of my fortyish body waking me, I cannot remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. And I’m tired.

I’m tired of not feeling well. I have a cough that never seems to go away, my arthritic hip bothers me after a workout, and I often have a nagging headache from the noise level of my home. My back always aches after a long day. I just never really feel my best. And I’m always tired.

I’m tired of my car. After driving to and then home from work I spend the rest of most days in my car. I pick up and drop off children to lessons and practices all over town. I spend my weekends in my car going to soccer games, birthday parties, and religious education class. I run at least one errand a day and several on the weekends. I think I may spend more time in my car than I do at home some weeks. And all of that driving is making me so tired.

I’m tired of the negative self-talk in my head. I’m tired of not loving my body and I’m tired of scrutinizing the wrinkles on my face and every grey hair I see on my head. I’m tired of questioning every single decision I make and wondering if I’m doing everything right. I’m tired of feeling like I’m always dropping at least one of the many balls I’m juggling at any time. I’m tired of trying to be Wonder Woman.

I’m tired of worrying about my children. I worry about everything. Is there money in their lunch accounts? Does someone need new cleats? Did she remember to pack her sweatshirt? Are they eating the right foods? Are they getting enough exercise? Do they have too much screen time? What are they watching? Is she staying safe on social media? Do they have friends? Is someone being mean to one of them? Are they getting good grades? Are they going to be safe today at school? Are they happy? Will they stay healthy? Do they have bright futures? Do they think I’m a good mother? I worry and it makes me so tired.

I’m tired of parenting in such a hostile world. Violence, catastrophic weather, political unrest, and unkind people are daily influences in my life. I wonder how I’m going to keep my kids safe and I agonize over what I should tell them. I’m tired of fighting for my rights as a woman and I’m tired of needing to defend those less privileged than I. Our world should not be so unfeeling, unkind, and unjust. We should not be so outraged. We should not need to march in protest for basic human rights. We should not be worried about nuclear war. We should not fear our climate and its changes. I’m so tired of it.

I’m tired but I am a working mother. I need to go to work. I need to parent my children. I need to get up, every single day. I need to be everything for everyone every day. So I keep getting up. I keep moving. I keep doing. I drink pots of coffee. Someday I won’t be so tired. Right?

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