I’m Just So Tired

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my mental and physical exhaustion. Here I am, two weeks later and I’m still so tired. In my last post I talked about several of the reasons why I am just so tired. I mentioned a lack of restful sleep and various ailments my aging body is battling.  I talked about my constant negative self-talk and the never ending worry about my children. I also talked about being so exhausted by the amount of time I spend in my car transporting myself and my family members to all of our commitments.  One day, while in that very same car, I thought of a few more reasons why I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of our busy schedules. I know how important it is that my children have experiences outside of the classroom. Team sports, music lessons, and social engagements with friends are necessary to help my children grow physically, emotionally, and cognitively. But some weeks feel like marathons. We run from one activity to another. My kids wake up still exhausted too many mornings. I drink so many cups of coffee I lose count. We are all so tired.

I’m tired of the chores I need to complete to keep my family and my home functioning. I do all of the laundry for five people, make lunches and cook (and clean up) dinner, and I do most of the cleaning of a four bedroom, two bathroom house.  I shop for my family’s food and supplies weekly but I often need to supplement with other quick trips to the store throughout the week. I manage our family’s calendar and I’m the one who makes sure they get to the doctor, the dentist, and most other commitments they may have. I pay all of the bills every month and manage our home’s budget.  I make sure my kids have clothes that fit, school and personal supplies, decent personal hygiene, and food in their stomachs. I do all of this while working, full-time, out of the home. And as soon as I finish all of these chores…I have to do them all again…and again…and just thinking about this vicious cycle makes me so tired.

I’m tired of talking about money. All I do is talk about money. My husband and I talk about it. I have to talk to my kids about it every time they ask for something. Someone is always asking me for money. There is always some bill to pay, some object to buy, some service to pay for. At forty we talk about saving money and how to make more money. We talk about college tuition, buying a new house, and finding money to maybe take a big trip. We talk about making sure we have money to maybe one day retire. I feel like at least once every couple of hours, every single day, something related to money crosses my mind. And it’s mentally exhausting.

I’m tired of unkind people. I work with high school students, many of whom struggle to communicate effectively with their peers. They struggle to form and maintain friendships and they are often baffled by the way their fellow peers communicate and act toward others. Often one will say something like, “I can’t wait to be an adult. It will be so much easier”. I wish I could nod with them in agreement but I just can’t. No matter how old I seem to become other people continue to baffle me. Why are people so mean? Why do some people thrill in putting others down? Why do some seem happiest when they are surrounded by drama and angst? I’m not sure but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of faking my way through too many social interactions with others simply because I’m trying to be kind and respectful. I’m tired of that kindness and respect not being reciprocated.

I’m tired of hearing about real life monsters inflicting terror in this country. I’m tired of my social media newsfeed virtually screaming at me about issues and policies that will probably never change. I’m tired of watching the policy makers of this country do nothing to effect change. I can’t talk to my children about one more mass murder. I can’t remind them, yet again, about ways to stay safe in case of an active shooter. I just can’t do it. I’m so tired of it.

I’m tired but I’m still living. I get up every day determined to make the day a positive one. I kiss my children every morning before I leave for work thankful for their mere existence, hopeful for a happy day. I’m making self-care a priority. I try to get to the gym a few times a week and I make time to have fun and relax with my husband. I’m doing my best. I have no choice.  Some day I won’t be so tired. I’m sure of it.

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