Brimming with potential


Every mother is convinced her child is exceptional.  The difference between me and other mothers, however, is that I have supporting data to back it up.  My son has demonstrated extraordinary ability in multiple areas of specialty, proving himself a viable candidate for the following careers:

Piano Virtuoso: Performs original compositions on the piano with fingers, feet and even knees, while slamming the keyboard shut intermittently in a stunning display of percussive experimentalism.

Interior Design: Effortlessly reconfigures furniture, has mastered the art of redecoration.  Specialty: redistribution of lighting and accent pieces.

Personal Fitness Trainer: Repeat his signature sequence for approximately 8 hours daily to achieve optimum results:

  • run while screaming
  • zigzag around obstacles left haphazardly on the floor
  • hop on one foot (swear, remove lego embedded in sole of foot)
  • squat (pick up Duplo lego)
  • dive (catch family heirloom before it hits the floor and shatters)
  • collapse briefly

Office Manager: Proficient with all operating systems, Mac and PC computers, as well as office equipment such as printers, copiers, and fax machines.

EMT: Unparalleled first-aid skills, clearly demonstrated by facility in the application of adhesive bandages to dog fur in such a way that they remain fixed in place even under water.

Plumber: Sources blockages with uncanny accuracy.  Utilizes cutting-edge, creative methods of testing plumbing functionality, such as flushing rubber duckies down toilets and installing children’s socks in bath drains.

Magician: Possesses the uncanny ability to open doors soundlessly, and make entire meals vanish under a dinner table.  Able to move animals to inaccessible areas without touching them.  The candidate himself has been known to disappear in the blink of an eye.

Attorney: Tenacious, seasoned negotiator.  Presents clear, compelling arguments accompanied by withering stink-eye.  Unwilling to settle unless/until his terms have been met.

Culinary Quality Control: Extremely detail-oriented.  Identifies inconsistencies in meal prep and presentation, ingredients, temperature and texture – both at home and in the field.

Poissonier: Incorporates hand-picked, freshly-sourced (betta) fish into a well-balanced diet…

IT Specialist: Able to unlock all devices ranging from the hand-held to tablets, desk and laptop computers.

Stunt Double: Executes complex, dangerous maneuvers without sustaining significant injury.  Can escape any enclosure or restraint, even fully coated in sunblock or even soap.  Unafraid of heights.


Nudist: Self-explanatory.


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