By they did not tell me it would hurt like this
no one warned me
about the heartbreak we experience with friends
where are the albums i thought
there were no songs sung for it
i could not find the ballads
or read the books dedicated to writing the grief
we fall into when friends leave
it is the type of heartache that
does not hit you like a tsunami
it is a slow cancer
the kind that does not show up for months
has no visible signs
is an ache here
a headache there
but manageable
cancer or tsunami
it all ends the same
a friend or a lover
a loss is a loss is a loss
-the underrated heartache
(Rupi Kaur)
I read this beautiful poem in Rupi Kaur’s book titled the sun and her flowers and it really hit me deeply.
Several years ago I lost a friendship that was important to me. And truly I could not understand why this person no longer wanted me in her life. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I spent months with this pit in my stomach, feeling confused and grieving our years-long friendship.
I know friendships come and go, but that doesn’t make it hurt less when they end.
The most comforting thing I tell myself about this is that I just hope she’s happy. I remember learning in one of the Buddhist meditations I’ve attended that unconditional love means that you love people even if they choose to not have you in their life. The meditation teacher was speaking about romantic relationships, in the sense that if your partner decided they would be happier without you, then you hope for that persons happiness.
I do find comfort in thinking about this persons happiness and understanding that, for whatever reason, she believed she would be happier without my presence in her life.
When I see something that reminds me of her, I still get a familiar pang of loss. Sometimes my mind takes a trip down memory lane and I ache for the good old times. But I work through those feelings by showing myself, and this friend, compassion.
I was lucky to have her in my life when I did, and I wish her all the happiness in the world.
