I’ve been having a hard time trying to figure out how to write about the way that I’ve been feeling lately. I wanted to write a fluffy piece about all the things that I am thankful for, but it is not what my heart wants to talk about. I have been suffering lately with anxiety like I never have before. Earlier in the year, I went to my doctor because I thought that maybe I had a very late onset of Post Partum Depression. Little things have started to slowly creep up on me and I have lashed out. I can feel and see me putting the pressure from my own anxiety onto my husband and my kids.

I’ve talked in the past about how easily I get stressed. I find myself yelling a lot. That is why I decided to go to my doctor in the first place. I felt there were times that I didn’t even recognize myself. So what if my daughter spilled some cheerios on the ground? So what if my son wanted some milk while I was in the middle of an important project? So what if my family ran late for a movie? Why are these things making me feel so angry and out of control?

My doctor basically told me that’s life. That there’s a part of depression linked to stress and it’s something I can try to work out on my own. With two kids and a full-time job, I clearly don’t have the time or money for therapy. She stressed that I need to take time for myself. For a short time, her suggestion was working. I was trying to meditate daily – even if that meant just doing the 2 min Fitbit breathing activity. I started walking every day for 30 minutes. I noticed I started to feel better.

Doing these activities didn’t change the stressors. We still have financial issues. But I have found that since I’ve slowly stopped doing those things, my anxiety has been back full force. My poor babies. I’ve asked my husband to call me out when I am reacting irrationally. Or rather when my anxiety is manifesting through anger. It has helped to keep me in check. Many times my kids want to hug me after I yell, it’s almost like they can sense that there’s something else going on.

But sometimes, my mind gets clouded – that’s the only way I can think of to describe it. For example, yesterday, the kids were running around and scream laughing. All the noise jumbled up in my head and I began to feel panicked. So I started to say, “Ok. Calm down! What are you guys doing?!” My husband caught me, and he laughed a little while he looked at me strangely and said, “They’re just playing, love.” It took me by surprise. “What did you say?” Denis repeated himself, “They’re just playing.” Like, duh.

“Oh.”

I stopped and focused again. I realized he was right. They were just playing. I smiled and felt so blessed being able to see how much my kids love each other. I hope they love each other for the rest of their lives, through thick and thin. Then I thought about what if he wasn’t there? I probably would have put one in time out. Or if they knocked something down on accident, I would have gotten upset. I’m not sure why I couldn’t see what was happening. I do know this is something that I need to work on. I’ve been working on it, but I really need to stay the course.

The last thing that I want to do is extinguish their spirits. My children are so beautiful. They are smart, funny, creative, and very spirited. Yet, I feel like, with every overreaction, it dampens their spirit just a little. I see it in my daughter. My anxiety is starting to have an affect as her personality is starting to take shape. I already thought that my pregnancy and post-partum anxiety affected my son. In the end, all I want is what’s best for them. The things that I am stressed about, that have heightened my anxiety, are all things that I want so that I can give them the best life.

At this point, all I can do is continue to work on myself. I don’t want to end up being known as the “mean mom” to my kids. When the anxiety kicks in, I’m going to do my best to take a cue from Daniel Tiger and “take a deep breath and count to four” before reacting. It’s not going to be easy. I know a lot of the anxiety is not under my control. But, I’m going to work on it. I have to work on it for myself and for my family.

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