Sugar: I love you, I hate you.

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We’ve been talking quite a bit lately about weight and food here on the blog. I’ll admit that from the time I wake up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night, my weight and my struggle with food is always on my mind.

You see, I have a sugar addiction. I think I always have.

I am one of those people who is either all in or all out with it. I cannot just eat one cookie, or take one bite of cake. I am driven by my brain to overconsume. And I hate this part of myself.

Right now I’m in a sugar binge spiral. I was able to be sugar-free for almost three months recently. Then I was having an emotional day and told myself I’d just eat one cookie. One cookie turned into almost the entire bag.

Then I told myself I would not let this set me back. I had made so much progress in reducing my sugar cravings and obsessive food thoughts. My mood was more stable, I was sleeping better, and just generally feeling more like me.

But as always, that one lapse led to another, and then another. Now I’m overeating every day. And my self-loathing is significant.

I have been through this cycle more times than I can count. And yet I never seem to learn.

My inner voice knows that I cannot consume sugar. Why can’t I listen to her? Why do I continue to struggle with this to what feels like an extreme degree?

How can I be a successful person, who has willpower in all other areas of my life, and yet feel totally inadequate when it comes to healing this addiction?

I know that my life is sweeter when I abstain from sugar.

And yet I have never gotten off it for any significant length of time.

For whatever reason, this sugar addiction is part of my life journey. Maybe there is a lesson here I have yet to understand.

If you see yourself in any part of this piece, know you are not alone. There is so much shame in struggling with food (or any addiction, really), but how are we to heal if we can’t tell the truth about our deepest struggles?

And this is mine.

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