Yesterday, I Was Pregnant. Today, I Am Grieving

4 comments

Yesterday, I was pregnant with my third child.

My period was one week late, and I had shown faint second lines and the digital screens read “pregnant” on every home pregnancy test that I had taken. And although I was waiting for confirmation from the lab in the coming week, I knew that the odds of a false positive were slim.  I had read the same tests twice before, and each time ended in the birth of a beautiful baby.

Although I knew to be cautious early on because the risk of miscarriage is high in the first trimester, I also knew that the odds of this pregnancy not ending in a miscarriage were greater. And, so in only one short week, I allowed myself to dream.  To hope.  To believe.  There was but a tiny seed in my womb, but in my mind, it had grown to a full-term pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a lifetime of possibilities.  My family was growing.  My family was changing.  And I was ready to accept this gift.

Yesterday, I was pregnant with my third child.

Yesterday, I was pregnant.

Yesterday.

But today, I awoke to blood-soaked underwear, and an ache in my womb where my seed, my baby, and dreams had once been. And as my womb ached all day as it rid itself of these things, my heart ached too.

Some call it a chemical pregnancy. Others, a miscarriage.

But I call it a loss. A devastating loss.  A soul-crushing, heart-breaking, painstakingly awful loss.  Who knew that in one short week I could love a baby that had never been so much?  But, you see, it was not just one week.  It was a lifetime of dreaming about my children.  It was years of talking about having my third baby.  It was months of trying to get pregnant.  And it was seven glorious days of believing that it was happening for me.  And in one night, it became a thing of yesterday.

And once I finally accepted what was happening, I became so dizzy that I could barely stand up and I felt the wind escape me. I scrambled to catch my breath and my balance at the same time.  My husband held me for a bit, and I cried all morning as I tried to get my daily chores done.  And then, I cleaned myself off in the shower where I cried some more, pulled on a pair of loose-fitting jeans over my sanitary napkin—the one that served as a reminder every time that I used the bathroom that my baby was leaving me slowly—and went about my day, living for the children that I have now while grieving the one that is not with us.  That will not be with us.  Ever.

Yesterday, I was pregnant with my third child.

Yesterday, I was pregnant.

Today, I am grieving my third child.

Today, I am grieving.

4 comments on “Yesterday, I Was Pregnant. Today, I Am Grieving”

  1. Stacy, I am so sorry. There are no words that can express and sooth the grief you feel. I will say a prayer for you and for your baby.

  2. We can’t always understand why things happen and I know the big plan can be so devastating but it’s where we separate the strong from the weak and you Stacy are strong.

  3. So sorry for your loss. A very good friend of mine lost her only baby/pregnancy at 37 weeks, and she is devastated. Any pregnancy loss is devastating. I can only imagine how you feel and wish you the best in your recovery.

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