Have you ever seen the movie Garden State with Zach Braff and Natalie Portman? I absolutely love that movie but I’ve found it makes me incredibly sad so often I’ll see it on as I’m flipping through my channels and I’ll actually force myself to keep moving. One scene I always shed a few tears through is when they leave the trailer in the quarry in the pouring rain and look down into the dark abyss of the quarry. They then yell, as loud as they can, into that dark hole, releasing some of the pain and frustration they all had been feeling.
Lately I’ve been thinking about that scene quite often. Lately I’ve been wishing for an abyss to scream into.
Please don’t misunderstand my overall emotional state. I am not depressed or particularly unhappy. I’m simply feeling…edgy. I feel like a really good yell would do me good.
May is hard. The transition into spring signals the end of another school year. As a school-based speech-language pathologist, almost my entire life has cycled on a school schedule. So while the December/January shift is often a time of reflection, renewal, and maybe transition for most adults, the summer has always been mine. Every June I get the somewhat unique opportunity to walk away from work for almost ten weeks. My schedule changes, my priorities shift, I can relax, and I can reflect. And while I look forward to June with every fiber of my being, May makes me edgy.
Another year is almost done. My children are another year older. I’m another year older. I have another year added to my career. Life is hurtling by and I can’t help but wonder, every May, if I’m…okay.
I wrote a bit a while back about being happy. You can read it here. I reflected on the idea of happiness and whether or not I am actually happy. Happy with my life. Happy with myself. Happy with my day to day existence. I still really don’t have an answer to that except to say….sometimes??
Other times…I’m not.
I want more than I have.
I want to give my children more than I can.
I want to make a change in my career.
I want friendships and relationships to be easier.
I want to say what I really want to say.
I want to do what I really want to do.
I want to feel less guilt.
I want to take better care of myself.
I want to love myself more.
I want to apologize less.
I want to take control of things I can’t ever seem to control.
I want to feel less old.
I want to scream, as loud as I can, into an abyss.
I’m pretty sure I am not alone in feeling this way and that idea comforts me. Life is hard. Being forty-something is hard. Being a mother is so very hard. I’m doing the best I can, I know this, as most of us are. But May makes me edgy.
This summer I’m hoping to take better care of myself and spoil my children as best as I can with long, lazy days, fun, and ice cream. I’m hoping the sun, the warmth, and the beach help me shake off these edgy melancholy feelings. I want to rejuvenate my soul so I can start another year with excitement and a smile.
But until then, if anyone knows of a good abyss nearby that I could scream into…I would be appreciative.