Everyone told me not to do it. Nosy old ladies in the grocery store, seasoned moms at playgrounds, in laws, well meaning friends. They all knew what would happen, and warned me. I didn’t listen, and I did it anyway.

I blinked and now there are no more babies in my household.

No more nursing, no more marathon late nights.

No more running (ok, jogging) while pushing a tiny little buddy.

No more soft, handmade baby blankets.

The whirling of the pump? Haven’t heard it in years.

Johnson’s nighttime lavender baby shampoo? We use a 2 in 1 now.

Soft, velvety, baby skin? Has now been sun-kissed and tough to the touch.

Diapers are now superhero tighty whities.

Baby gurgles have turned into fart jokes.

All of these changes have been implemented for some time now, but with Jack turning 5 today, they seem more glaringly obvious. Jumping out of the corner of my minds shadow, like a box you hide in the attic. You know the box is up there. You know you have to deal with it. You shove it in the dark corner of the attic anyway.

Is there a way to celebrate my children growing without reflection on what that in turn means for me? I don’t think as parents it’s possible, or at least easy. I told myself I would focus on Jack growing and thriving. After I had a moment to really feel.

I am….wistful. A part of me anxiously wonders if I enjoyed the moments enough. I feel some guilt that postpartum had ripped away moments of my life that were supposed to be “the happiest” of my life. And those moments were happy, just with a film over them so I couldn’t see quite as clearly. I know there is no finger to point, but that doesn’t stop the huge waves of sadness that sometimes come when I think back to that period of my life. But it also gave me so much life. I clawed through the depths of a hell I didn’t know existed, and I’m still here with my head above water. Screaming out to the world that I made it.

I am also, thrilled. It’s the only word I can think of when describing what it’s like to watch your baby grow into a child with their own little personality. It’s thrilling to get to know them as little people separate from you.

I am proud of the people they are becoming.

I am honored to be their mom!

Jack turns 5 today, and there are no more babies at our house.

However there is joy, laughter, sweetness, happiness, silliness, and beauty in the melancholia of growing older.

To the one who is literally pure sunshine in my life.

To Jack!

“May your hands always stay busy

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

May your song always be sung

And may you stay

Forever young”- Bob Dylan