Love More, Judge Less
I want another baby. And, no, not just in the hypothetical, “wouldn’t it be nice if…” type of way. I want another baby in the practical, full desire to grow my family, “I long for a baby in my womb now and am no longer taking active steps to prevent it” type of way. There.
My youngest son started Kindergarten five weeks ago. He was one month away from his fifth birthday—a peanut in my book—and separating from us at drop-off time was difficult. Most mornings, he cried. And, my older son, his big brother, started putting his arm around the back of his neck and lovingly guiding him in
I have to come to realize that we all have some type of madness lurking in our homes now, and am learning to just laugh about the insanity of it all So, here is what life is like in my house. Hopefully, you can relate.
You will make new friends. You will learn new things. You will listen to new stories. You will create. You will recite all the letters and count all the numbers. You will eat lunch in a gigantic cafeteria. You will play on the play scape at recess. You will laugh. You will cry. But most of all, you will be okay. And, so will I.
Just as I know that their bad days are not reflective of who they are, they know the same is true for me. They see all the good and all the bad in me, on my best days and my worst, and still love me fiercely, wholly, and are ready to pounce on any one who dare criticize me … even when that critic is me.
In fact, I find that most Mondays I return to work more exhausted than when I left on Friday. Sure, part of it is that we are trying to cram too much fun into each weekend, but another part of it is simply that “relaxing” activities of my carefree, childless days now require significantly more energy and work in order to be successful (or survive).
I made a list of traditional day/weekend activities that I enjoyed as a kid for us to do this summer, but after all the money that I spent to send my kids to camp plus our summer vacation, I had to find ways to make those activities as affordable as possible. This is my list.
And so, with each moment that I long to live again or live for a little longer, I also yearn to experience what will be … all that has yet to come. And, while I may hold on to every last for as long as I possibly can, I am also embracing every new first.
And, I knew what she needed. She did not need my judgment. She did not need me to walk past. She needed grace. She needed kindness. She needed understanding from one mother to another. She needed a village.
I am sorry that I would push you and dad apart when you would kiss in the kitchen or hold hands in public because I thought it was gross. I now understand that you two never had any time alone to connect with one another as a couple. And, seeing you two show each other affection for all those years served to model the type of relationship that I wanted to have with my spouse.
