In order to keep myself awake I’ve been compiling list of things “to do” when no one else in the world seems awake. Simply getting up and turning on the light does not work anymore (plus who would want to wake up my darling husband).
I made the decision to shift to a position in my field that no longer required as much of me. I now have a great job that I enjoy (most of the time), but I am not where I imagined I would be career-wise by any means … Although this change worked wonders for my stress and seemed like a perfect solution, there have been many times over the last four years that I have wondered if I made the right choice. Am I fulfilling my purpose? Am I really making a difference? Am I doing enough?!? After all, I never really did get around to changing the world.
In my very minimal downtime this week I watched the new episode of This is Us. It should probably be part of doctor’s orders to give it a few weeks before you embark on that show, but I went for it anyways.
I have heard many parents say that when they are with their children, they long for a break. And when they have a break, they long for their children. I am not immune to this by any means. Many days are spent yelling and not because I do not want to do better. But because sometimes I am too tired or overwhelmed. And sometimes, I just do not know how. But please know that every night I long for a better tomorrow.
And, I realized in that moment, that although I probably will not always have the energy for some of his crazy ideas or the patience for his demanding that they come to fruition immediately, I do have to remember that they are his ideas … and that they are important to him. Sometimes, he is trying to speak to me—in his own creative voice—and it does not always sound like yours or mine.
It’s November 16th and I’ve got Christmas presents for my kids and my nieces and (soon-to-be nephew) wrapped and packed to go. I am so not that mom!
But, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, trying to think of a million excuses for my recent ball-dropping, it dawned on me that I would NEVER be as hard on any other mother as I am myself right now for any reason … I would never want my kids to feel the weight and pressure of trying to be perfect themselves. Mistakes are a part of learning, growing, and being better. And I need to be their model for how to do this.
Ya know, the funny thing about change is that it’s not always welcomed. And let me tell you, it certainly wasn’t welcomed by me. I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t ready. Everything happened way too fast.
As I am in my final weeks of my pregnancy, I find myself worrying about things that are out of my control. One big worry is the age gap between my daughter and her soon to be sibling.
Although there is so much on my plate to fill my time, there is something missing altogether. Love? No. Fun? No. Sleep? Nope, I am even getting that (most weeks). It’s quiet – I have no quiet in my life.