There was anguish in her cries. And frustration. And sheer exhaustion. And yet the next day, there she was again, with breakfast on the table, school lunches packed, and our clothes laid out for school.
Just as I know that their bad days are not reflective of who they are, they know the same is true for me. They see all the good and all the bad in me, on my best days and my worst, and still love me fiercely, wholly, and are ready to pounce on any one who dare criticize me … even when that critic is me.
After our hike, we ate a great meal and took a pint at a rustic hiking lodge with a clear view of our mountain. I could not help but think to myself: This is the kind of person that I want to be for my daughter. This powerful, determined, caring, supportive woman. We were changed and it was good.
Maybe I am a traditionalist at heart, but I still believe every woman has to do what is in her heart … what is right with her soul. And that is pretty damn progressive.
Over time, my inner voice became my reality. I succumbed to my inescapable anxiety. It was crippling and all-consuming. And soon I became resentful of my life.
But, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, trying to think of a million excuses for my recent ball-dropping, it dawned on me that I would NEVER be as hard on any other mother as I am myself right now for any reason … I would never want my kids to feel the weight and pressure of trying to be perfect themselves. Mistakes are a part of learning, growing, and being better. And I need to be their model for how to do this.
Because I see you. I see how tired you are. The type of tired you are feeling is the accumulation of wanting to give your all, 100%, to too many things—work, your children, extracurriculars, homework, housework, yard work, making your marriage work —it catches up to you. And, I see how much you care. I see that you are worried that your tiredness might be negatively impacting your children and your family.
Tonight a neighbor walked by and casually said, “Well now what are you going to do when you have three?” Right. She said it. Stone-faced and with no follow up giggle. My reaction was natural: “Wait, did I ask you? Right, keep walking your dog.” (ok fine, originally the f-word was littered in there). But
Nothing about my life has turned out the way that I had planned. Not my marriage. Or motherhood. Or me. I am learning that this is actually the best part.
I have to be super stay-at-home-mom, not just regular great stay-at-home-mom. Just don’t make me stay at home…