This time last year I was 9 months pregnant and suffering migraines 24/7 around the clock. The headache came on instantaneously and dramatically during a heated discussion with my hubby and I ended up at the emergency room. There was nothing they could do for me short of a spinal tap and cat-scan which I outright refused (especially since the doc told me honestly even THAT wouldn’t likely show us the cause) so I went home with some Tylenol and the hopes that I’d wake up feeling better. But I didn’t wake up feeling better. And despite all my attempts to alleviate the pain with acupuncture, cranial-sacral-therapy, chiropractic care, and various other modalities I didn’t feel better for a full 6 weeks.

Imagine being VERY pregnant, having two little boys to care for, and suffering debilitating pain around the clock. There would be many nights I’d be awake roaming around the house, grasping my temples and silently screaming.

One Saturday I actually started to feel a little better, so of course I went into labor the next day. I was excited to give birth, thinking it would totally alleviate my migraines. And of course I was VERY excited to meet the daughter I’d been experiencing pre-birth communication with for the past 3 years.

Surprise! It was a boy.

This was difficult for me. Very, very difficult. My first two babies had presented themselves to me in dreams telling me their gender, their names and what they looked like ~ both times it was utterly accurate. My daughter had been even more vocal in dreams, telling me her interests and her favorite colors. Seven of my friends had had dreams of my daughter and I’d even bought her some girly clothes (which was so fun for me after buying boys’ clothes for 6 years).

So WHO was this stranger I was holding?

The only thing stronger than the shock of holding this baby boy was the guilt I had in missing the daughter I was expecting.

After a couple of emotional days as the shock wore off and I basked in the glory of this beautiful new baby boy, my left wrist started hurting. Since I still had headaches off and on I had some Tylenol on hand and used it for my wrist. But then it started hurting more, so much in fact that my husband had to go buy me a brace for it. A couple of days later I woke in the middle of the night to my OTHER wrist hurting ~ in fact, I daresay I have NEVER experienced such intense pain as the pain I was now experiencing in my right wrist. My migraines and child-birth paled in comparison to the pain that was radiating out of my right wrist. Thankfully it had subsided a bit the next morning, but my husband still had to go out and buy another wrist brace.

So there I was, still suffering mild headaches and NOW I had wrist braces on BOTH my arms with a newborn baby to hold.

It was a very, very challenging time.

When my sweet baby boy turned 3 weeks old, I finally started to feel better. I stopped taking my Tylenol, I took my wrist braces off, and I had a beautiful couple of days of RELIEF. Oh, the RELIEF of being pain-free. During this time, was when the hurricane hit our area and we were without power for a week. That was hard, but the fact I was pain-free made it bearable.

Our power came back on a Saturday.

Then on Sunday, my sweet baby boy started crying non-stop for 19 days.

If you click all the links I provided you can get a fuller story, but my point in writing all this today is because I’m feeling VERY ANXIOUS. I’m feeling VERY EMOTIONAL. I’m even dripping tears as I write this. From this time last year until the beginning of October was the hardest period of time I’ve ever been through…and even though I thought I had processed it and I thought I had recovered from it, all the swirling emotions of it all is coming back and hitting me full-force.

As I tried to think of what to write about this Magical Monday, I could only try to purge these feelings on paper as I grasp again for RELIEF.

Thankfully, my beloved hubby picked up on my state this morning. He took the baby in the bath so I could have a little break and he’s reminding me to be gentle with myself right now, because he’s very well aware that it was almost a year ago I ended up in the emergency room. He’s declared he’s making dinner, he asked the boys to co-operate with me and each other, and he’s doing what he can to ease my mind.

I’m reminding myself to do things that bring me joy and that’s really all I’ve got right now…