I’m Already Not a Selfless Saint

2 comments

Two months pregnant and I’m letting down my kid.

I don’t really feel that way (maybe a tiny bit), but I’m afraid others might. Mommy forums and the mainstream culture are full of a narrative of being in love with your baby before it’s even morphed from embryo to fetus. I read a lot of gratitude for morning sickness and happiness to put up with anything out of a mother’s love.

Sorry, I’m not that perfect.

I actually don’t like feeling nauseous! I don’t like a lot about this first trimester and how much it is cutting back on my work time. I don’t like being out of control of my own body. I hate this exhaustion… and if I hate being really tired, I guess I’ll hate being a mom, right?

Here’s a really dark secret for you. I’ve wished to feel better. Which would basically mean wishing for a miscarriage.

I don’t let myself go too far down that road of beating myself up for being human, though. When you feel sick, you want to feel better. That’s normal. That’s OK. I know I am not going to magically transform into a selfless saint from my baby’s first breath, just like I didn’t at its conception. AND I can still be an awesome, loving mom who does make a lot of sacrifices for her kid. I don’t have to love every second of the crappy parts to love my future child. That is some crazy impossible standard for women.

2 comments on “I’m Already Not a Selfless Saint”

  1. Oh momma I was so there! I got hospitalized with my first at 7 weeks and all I thought was “I don’t know if I can do this, maybe this wasn’t a good idea”. I was not in love with pregnancies and did not “fall in love” until I saw the baby and even then it was a weird different love. DO NOT listen to others, everyone is different and all mothers and children are too. I hope the sickness leaves soon and the second trimester is better!

  2. I’m so glad you were so open about this. I didn’t love being pregnant either, I had horrible ALL day sickness for my first trimester and part of my second. Not enjoying pregnancy means absolutely nothing about the kind of parent you will be. I’m fortunate to know you outside of the blog and you and your wife are going to be incredible moms. I will say that even once I had my baby, I didn’t feel that instant love right away in the hospital. Fortunately a friend of mine told me that it’s normal to feel that way so I wasn’t as hard on myself as I would have been otherwise. So I want you to know the same thing. Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

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