You guys.  That puke bug that’s been going around hit us last week.  If you’re reading this, it’s likely you have kids and can relate… because as far as I can tell from Facebook, everyone’s welcomed this evil beast into their home whether they wanted to or not.

Thursday morning, we beat the winter storm all the way up to Portland, Maine.  Have some beers with my sister-in-law and her fam.  Go back to our hotel.  Go swimming.  Open some presents.  A nice enough night for all involved.

Husband wakes up at 6 a.m.

Coughing.  Wait, no…. Puking.

SONOFA…  Let me be clear – I like my husband’s family well enough but I didn’t just drive 3 hours and pay for a hotel to listen to my husband puke for two days.

Actually, yes. Yes I did.

We make it home Saturday… New Year’s Eve.  With a few hours to relax before we were to go to a party. Husband’s now magically fine.

Sit down to relax annnnnnd Kid #1 coughs.  And throws up.

Again.

And again.

Annnnnnnnd again.

Sonofa… Let me once again be clear – I didn’t just drive all the way home without having a proper breakfast in Maine so we could miss a party and spend all night cleaning up puke.

Actually yes. Yes I did.

Fine.

Sunday morning.  Kid #1 hasn’t thrown up since 15 minutes before the ball drop. I caught up on the Mariah Carey debacle as we’d cleaned the kid up and just gone to bed.  ALL IS FINE ALL DAY.  Kid actually takes a nap on me for the better part of the afternoon – figured it was just the last of the sickness working its way out.

6:00.  She’s sitting on me.  Coughs.  Pukes again.  SONOFABITCHWHATTHEHELL

45 minutes later.  I hear both kids watching tv, coughing… or maybe clearing their throats. I run in.  They both look at me.  “Are you guys ok?”  “Yep.”  A few more baby coughs to show me they were fine.  I really thought they were mocking me.

Ok…..

2 minutes later.  Kid #2 coughs and loses his intestines all over the floor.  He’s a maniac though and then proceeds to jump around the house like a monkey, totally fine. (Incidentally, the first time in his 3.5 years that he’s ever thrown up as far as we can remember.  …but he is the second kid so I can’t say that with 100% confidence.)

Then our cousin texts me and told me the secret elixir — a shot of apple cider vinegar chased by 100% grape juice.  Sounds whack to me.

Sounds better than just crossing my fingers that I’m not next.

I send my husband out for it immediately.

I am now dead man walking.

Shots and chasers all around!  No joke I wanted to puke right there.  But 24 hours (and 3 more shots over the course of the day) later, I’m still standing.

Unfortunately, I also have a PTSD-like reaction whenever anyone coughs.

Puke bug, go back to 2016.