It’s that time of year when I take a favorite poem and bastardize to accommodate whatever’s on my mind. This year, an ode to my true love, the mindless time-waster that makes me feel accomplished and like a supreme loser at the same time.
Twas the night before Monday, when all through the house
My work computer was quiet, yes even my mouse;
The outfits were hung by each kid’s bed with care,
In hopes that, in the morning, the kids would actually wear.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in my head;
And wrapped candies and color bombs and coconut wheels,
And striped candies and swedish fish… I’m head over heels.
When out on my desk there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
Away to my bedroom – I do not exaggerate –
I tore open my purse and dug out my iphone 8.
The glow on the screen of the new-purchased phone
Gave the lustre of US news apps that I bemoan,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Candy Crush Saga, a game I’ve been playing for years.
With two little clicks, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn’t a trick.
More rapid than eagles my candies they came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, STRIPED CANDY! now, WRAPPED CANDY! now LOLLIPOP HAMMER!
On, LICORICE! on FREE SWITCH! on, FREE PLAYS, I stammer!
You drain my battery! You make my eyes tired!
I wish I could play forever – I wish I was retired!
For you, Candy Crush, are the mindless game I so love,
Beating 2900 levels, it makes me feel smart… well kind of.
I sprang back to my couch, pushed my husband aside,
And down they all flew like a super fast ride.
But I heard it exclaim, as I beat the next game,
“DELICIOUS!” and “SWEET!” YOUR LIFE IS SO LAME!