1. I don’t like to play with my kids. Cooking projects? Crafts or coloring? Nature hikes? Absolutely. But board games, baby dolls, blocks? Bleh. I find them to be mind-numbingly boring. Shit, I change enough diapers – I don’t need to add baby dolls to my list.
2. I have no problem at all with the fact that I didn’t birth my children and birth stories kinda squidge me out. I’ll take the stork delivery method, thanks!
3. You know the 1023497 pieces of “artwork” that come home from daycare/school? I throw it out.
4. If we are graced with a fourth child (via stork), I have a strong preference for one gender over the other. If you already had 4 females in your house, you would too.
5. I am strict on limiting my kids’ screen time and yet I’m constantly on my phone in front of them. And what’s the first thing I do when they are down for bed? Hell yes I turn that TV on.
6. I’m a better mother than I am a wife.
7. Co-parenting is really freaking hard. Even if you’ve done all your homework, picked a great partner, and enjoy a rock-solid relationship. I know because I did all that and still struggle. There have been days when I envy single moms.
8. My kids eat mac and cheese from a box. A lot.
9. When people post pictures on Facebook I mostly look at the background. Yes, I am noticing the laundry in your living room, toys in your dining room, and dishes in your sink. They make me feel so.much.better. Keep posting people!
10. Just this morning, a solid 10 minutes into my commute to work after dropping my daughter at preschool, I realized that I was still listening to the Barney CD, and even worse, SINGING ALONG TO IT. OUTLOUD. It really doesn’t get much lower than that.
11. Took the kids swimming at the YMCA this weekend. They were so excited! Got myself and 2 out of 3 kids dressed in swimsuits by the time I realized I forgot my daughter’s suit. Shortly after, I found myself begging the 16-year-old lifeguard to let her swim in her clothes because, “do you know how hard it would be to reverse directions now?? Please don’t make me leave here with 3 hysterical children!” His mama can thank me later for the dose of birth control.
12. My kids play drive through. As in, do a funny squatting walk pretending to be in a car Fred Flinstone-style, pull up to a chosen destination and be all, “Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?” “Good Morning. Venti skinny vanilla latte please” “Sure thing, please drive up.” I want to feel guilty about this, but mostly I’m thinking, “well look at that, they are learning manners!”
13. I use a ridiculous amount of paper plates and plastic silverware. The 20 year old environmental-action-committee-me would have been horrified.
14. I am a good mom, but I’ve never said anything about perfect. Good moms and perfect moms are two totally different things. Kind of like horses and…unicorns.
15. I think my kids are beautiful. Stunning, really. My inner feminist screams every time I tell them how beautiful they are but I just can’t stop. And it doesn’t help my big head that people compliment them all the time. I always want to respond, “I KNOW! Aren’t they gorgeous??”. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t seem appropriate because I had nothing to do with their looks, but “yes! they totally are!!” comes off rude.
16. I once was late getting home to meet my son’s bus and missed it by a minute. That sucked.
17. To make up for #9, I will share with you a picture of my kitchen last night. And the confession? It looks this way about 90% of the time.
Ahhh, don’t we all feel a little bit better now?