“You Don’t Love Me!” …AS IF.

Jun 30, 2015 by

hate youMost parents get the obligatory “I HATE YOU!” from their kid at some point. Some get it when the kid is in the throes of the fucking fantastic fours and obstinance and tantrums are a way of life. Some get it from their angst-y tweens, who usually punctuate it with a slammed door. So far, I have made it 7 years without hearing those dreaded words. I thought I had it made until the day my daughter said four words that cut me even deeper:

“You. Don’t. Love. Me.”

Ouch. I can’t even remember now what the context of the slur was. But I do remember feeling a sense of disbelief. How could this child–the child that sat inside of me next to my heart for 6 months–think it was possible for me not to love her?

I love her with all of my being. I can’t remember how I even breathed without her in my world.

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Life View from the Gutter

Jun 30, 2015 by

from nature.com

from nature.com

In a pool, the “gutter” is the gateway to the filtration system.  Water gets pulled into the gutter to be filtered, before being sent back in. In large pools, the gutter runs the entire length of a pool.  The gutter lane is a fascinating lane.  I am just learning about it, as I’ve only just occupied it.

I joined a local adult swimming club/team in the grand hope of improving my stroke for a triathlon in a couple of months.  I am new to team swimming and found out quite quickly how amazing “real” swimmers are.  They can complete two laps (or three) to my one.  They are amazing and inspiring.

As the new kid (and the very slowest swimmer) I have inherited (drum roll please) the gutter.  As if swimming the slowest (by a lot) and the accompanying humility isn’t enough, I now have to fight with being pulled into the wall on the regular.  The slower you go, the more affected you are by the drag, so in many ways having the newbie slow poke in the gutter doesn’t make much sense.  Perhaps it’s a hazing ritual that will build “character.”

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To the Women Who Made Me Who I am Today

Jun 30, 2015 by

It takes a village, right?  I’ve been thinking lately of how different people shape who you are.  Specifically, the women in my life – family, friends, former friends, colleagues… everyone’s had a role to play.  So here’s to them.

…to the woman who gave me life and put up with 35 years of my nonsense
…to the one who gave her life, whose face I see in my daughter’s every day
…to the one who taught me how to read the word “island” as a 6-year old
…who taught me how to love
…who showed me that sometimes you just have to throw your whole self into something to feel like you’ve really lived
…who taught me that sometimes it’s not about me
…who introduced me to a great bottle of wine
…who laugh with me on a daily basis
…who first opened the door for me to the corporate world
…who recognized my potential
…who made me face a fear
…who made me question everything I thought I knew
…who helped me figure out what size looks best on me
…who showed me what true friendship is
…who showed me what regret feels like
…who pushed me to get my graduate degree
…who walk with me on this “special needs” journey and just… get it
And to the girl who made me a mom and at the same time, taught me about unconditional love.

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Marathon Mama

Jun 30, 2015 by

I’m embarking on a huge endeavor. This week, I begin training for my first marathon.

The story unfolds to more than a year ago, when my sister urged me to put my name in the New York City Marathon lottery. I entered my name and credit card info for sh*ts and giggles. My husband ran the marathon with my brother-in-law the year before. I saw how it was technically feasible to train for, complete, and feel happy about. They were both over the moon with the experience. My sister and I were spectators, hustling around on foot and via subway to various points throughout the city to cheer on our husbands. We watched them tackle the initial leg of the race, full of energy, to the midpoint where the still had fuel in the tank, but maybe a bit less energetic, to the end, when the fatigue was apparent, but so was their drive to finish strong. I was in awe of the runners – all of them – and felt it was something I could never do.

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Divorce is Hard

Jun 29, 2015 by

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I’m about two weeks from finalizing my divorce and it’s been 6 months since we started this process. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this has been the hardest period of my life. Between navigating life as a now single mom, helping my daughter through all the changes, selling our family home, mediating our divorce and living in transition while we wait to close on a new place, I have experienced a multitude of emotions – anger, deep sadness, relief, confusion and clarity.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about 5 things I’ve learned about divorce so far and as with all life’s challenging experiences, I’ve got more lessons to add to the list.

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Oops I did it again: My second pregnancy #unfiltered

Jun 29, 2015 by

So a couple months back, my husband and I were talking about how easy it is having a toddler and how boring life has become now that she has little tantrums and is able to sprint away from us in public and does things like eat crayons and grind her dinner into the living room rug when our backs are turned for 2 seconds.  We figured that we could really use a new challenge involving less sleep, more crying, less alone time, and copious amounts of body fluids to keep us on our toes…

The real story is that my period was late in April so one morning before work I decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule THAT out… As these things go, it was instantly positive.  My brain was like, “NONONONO,” and tears spilled over onto my lap.  Yes, we thought we probably wanted a second child at some point down the road, but our daughter is only 20 months old, we are both in new jobs with very little sick time saved up, and we are in no way financially prepared to have two in diapers, two in daycare, and two college funds.

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What’s Next?

Jun 26, 2015 by

FACT:  2014 was the first full year that I wasn’t pregnant for any part of the year since 2008.  2008.  That’s a lifetime ago.  I have spent the last seven years of my life thinking about getting pregnant, being pregnant, and having babies.  I am blessed beyond measure with my crew of little ones and it is safe to say I no longer have babies on the brain.

This fun fact got me thinking of the somewhat predictable schedule that is my life.  Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane:

February 2004:  Start dating my future husband

November 2004:  Buy a condo and move in with future husband

October 2005:  Get engaged

September 2006:  Get married

October 2007:  Build a house and move

May 2008:  Complete my graduate degree

September 2008:  Get pregnant

May 2009:  Have Noah

July 2010:  Get pregnant

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